LOS ANGELES — Local blitzed music executive at RCA Records repeatedly contacted Mariah Carey’s camp to collaborate on a new single called “All I Want For Halloween is You,” confirmed sources.
“Listen, how do you know when Christmas is here? When the goddamn Mariah Carey song starts playing in Whole Foods two weeks before Thanksgiving. Why leave it there? Might as well make it the face of another seasonal holiday. The Spirit Halloween people will shit their fucking khakis when they get a hold of this track” said music executive Todd Perkins while rubbing his nose. “Replace Santa Claus with something like Head Halloween Goblin, Christmas stockings can be those jack-o-lantern candy buckets, Christmas trees could be Halloween trees. Who gives a shit, just make it catchy, babe!”
Representation for Carey seemed a little hesitant of the idea.
“Honestly, we still aren’t sure if he really works at RCA. He kind of just popped out of an elevator talking on a Bluetooth and kept yelling complicated coffee orders at my assistant. He repeatedly told me to close my eyes and picture the ‘the queen of Halloween’ but I’m pretty sure people already give that title to Elvira, or Ariana Grande from the youth demographic,” said Carey’s music agent Tom Lepore. “Plus, some other executive recently pitched Mariah the idea of ‘All I Want For Arbor Day is You.’ Please, let’s at least stick with holidays people get off work for.”
Shirly Alexander, a drug counselor who specializes in music executives, offered her approach when dealing with a client’s hyper-fixation on a new promotion.
“Abstinence for these types is just simply out of the question, but overuse can be a huge problem. You don’t get things like a Kid Rock country album, a Run-DMC/Aerosmith collaboration, or the plot to a Spice Girls movie without the momentum of an executive who has overindulged stimulants. I tell my clients, shelve the idea for a week, lay off the blow, drink more brown liquor and see if it still seems like a good idea after a few days. That said, Christmas is pretty lame but a Mariah Carey Halloween song would be dope.”
After reportedly striking out with Mariah Carey, the executive has been reportedly seen around town pitching a remake of the duet “Baby, it’s Cold Outside” which would be called “Baby, it’s Candy Outside.”