RICHMOND, Va. — Members of local prog rock band Hypernaut were noticeably jealous as the crowd at their show seemed more enthralled with bouncing around a beach ball than watching their performance, several party-hardy sources report.
“We were in the middle of playing our 19-minute epic ‘Star Saviour’ when I noticed the crowd jubilantly bouncing around that fucking inflatable toy,” Hypernaut guitarist and singer Jon Riechmann explained. “We came to that dive to ‘wow’ them with our intricate riffs, technical mastery, and mind-altering lyrical themes about wizardry. Our music isn’t about having fun or enjoying the moment, so that beach ball goes against everything we stand for as musicians. We don’t even allow cell phones or booze at our shows for this exact reason.”
Melissa Graham was front and center for the Hypernaut show and found the ball to be a nice touch to the set.
“This was the most fun I’ve ever had at a prog rock show and it’s all thanks to that beach ball,” Graham said. “Reminded me of the time someone brought a bouncy castle to a doom metal show. Really upped the vibe of the entire place. Everyone was actually enjoying themselves. Smiles, laughter, genuine joy—that sort of stuff. But that Hypernaut dork made short work of that by viciously insulting the ball between songs. He even stage-dived a few times, but it seemed like he was only to try to snatch the ball out of circulation. Anyway, I would definitely go see that beach ball live again.”
Geoff McCurdy, a Virginia Beach lifeguard, emphasized the importance of aquatic-based game equipment safety.
“Everyone knows how much a beach ball can be the most fun one can have on a shoreline. But when used inside, a beach ball is one of the most deadly, ‘fuck around and find out’ objects ever introduced into popular culture,” McCurdy explained. “One minute, the crowd is all happy and cool slapping the ball around, and the next minute, BAM! The ball pops in an unsuspecting concertgoer’s ear, never to be able to listen to another Sublime tribute band ever again. Tragic…or maybe not so much in this particular case.”
At press time, Hypernaut was seen designating one of their roadies to stand in the crowd on safety pin duty.