MARSHFIELD, Mass. — The mic stand used by rock legends Aerosmith is reportedly fed up with perpetually having to wear a tie and cannot wait to return home to take it off, embittered inanimate sources confirmed.
“To be honest, I’ve always felt uncomfortable with the rigid corporate dress code I’ve had to follow since joining the ‘Smith. I live for the minute they do that last ‘Dude (Looks Like A Lady)’ encore and can get shuffled backstage to finally loosen this cursed dog leash,” said longtime Aerosmith mic stand Michael Standish. “Look, I didn’t get into the music business to look like I hold up the microphones at TED talks and Correspondents Dinners. I wanna rock just like the aux cords and drum hardware gets to! But living the rock and roll mic stand lifestyle can sometimes where you out.”
Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tyler reports being at the end of his rope with the microphone stand’s chicanery.
“I don’t think I’m speaking out of turn when I say that particular mic stand has had an extremely lax, cavalier attitude ever since the farewell tour was announced. I don’t think it’s any wonder that when I sing ‘Jaded’ each night, I’m singing it directly to him,” said a stern Tyler, from his home office’s desk while lowering his spectacles. “I’ve had half a mind to fire him on the spot for his ambivalence toward our dress code, but he’s just so close to retirement. I just don’t have the heart. I have my eye on him though. Y’know, along with my larger than average mouth.”
Boston tailor Rico Bartellini, who specializes in apparel for microphone stands, worried his business would be hit hard by Aerosmith’s departure.
“Well, between you and me, there isn’t much call for tiny little articles of microphone stand clothing if you can believe it. Aerosmith has been keeping us in business since 1970,” said Bartellini. “At first, we were dismayed to hear that they wouldn’t be touring any more, but shortly after that news, we got a call from an ecstatic-sounding Michael Standish for an order of six dozen xxxxxxx-small Hawaiian shirts. We didn’t even have to use up much material for the order, too. We had a bunch already made and left over from an abandoned collaboration with the mic stands on a recent Jimmy Buffet tour. Sometimes things just work out!”
At press time, Tyler has been seen making the switch to a younger, hungrier, more professional headset mic that is never seen without its teeny little bowtie.