20. Coin Collecting
Coin collecting is this high on the list mostly due to frugality. We all know that the Scout is one cheap bastard, so when it comes time to hold on to a wide array of heavy metal that used to be worth something it makes sense.
19. Forestry
The Scout is already most of the way to a lumberjack. Fuck, if he’d been a decade later to the punk scene than he was he’d have invariably gotten rolled into the grunge movement, and that’s flannel shirts and fuzzy hats for days there. Close call for you, buddy.
18. Moviemaking
Spending all day every day being interviewed for various documentaries, only taking breaks to play a three-episode bit part on a show that nobody saw, has given Scoutmaster Henry a keen sense of what works well on camera. He’ll probably need some hands-on instruction to meet all the requirements. But as the last thirty documentaries he recorded earlier today show us is that he’s willing to stick it out for as long as it takes to get the shot.
17. Bird Study
Now here’s a badge where a well of extremely esoteric knowledge can really fly high. When it comes to telling the difference between a stick-winged warbler and a common igloo finch, attention to detail is key. Unfortunately, the punk scene has few existing connections to the Audubon society, so it seems like he’s gonna be doing this one on his own.
16. Skating
Scoutmaster Henry can probably still shred on a skateboard. At least we hope that’s what this badge is about. Because we simply cannot picture the scout coasting gracefully down the park sidewalk in a pair of in-line roller skates.
15. Painting
To be clear, this badge is not about creative painting or artistic expression or anything. This is literally a badge all about evenly applying coats of paint to walls and shit and demonstrating being able to use a ladder safely. Anyone can do this crap.
14. Art
Okay, here’s the one where the Scout gets to wear a beret and paint a bowl of fruit or whatever else.
13. Law
We’re guessing Scoutmaster Henry is pretty knowledgeable about the law. Mostly that’s because he seems like the kind of person who seems pretty confident he’d be able to successfully defend himself in court.
12. Golf
This is an oddly specific sport to have as a merit badge. We looked into it – there aren’t other badges for basketball or hockey or fucking badminton. So why does golf get its own special little patch? It’s kind of fucking elitist. But anyways, the Scout would be pretty decent at this.
11. Woodcarving
Scoutmaster Henry is certainly a skilled whittler. Just one of the many leisure crafts he enjoys in his spare time. He can also cross stitch and macrame. Also, he’s an amateur candlemaker. Gosh, he’s just so adorable.
10. Backpacking
Backpacking is basically just being on a Stairmaster for a really long time with the weight equivalent of an eight-year-old child strapped to your back the entire time, so the Scout would definitely excel with that. There are some technical aspects and eventually, he will have to stop to camp which we aren’t sure how he’ll handle, but he’s a world traveler so he’ll probably figure it out.
9. Electricity
Here’s another one of these goddamn badges that are just for vague concepts of things. Like it’s not even any specific use of electricity or an understanding of electrical repairs. It’s just fucking electricity. Whatever, we’re basically giving this one to him.
8. Lifesaving
Though not really one for watercraft, we gotta believe that Scoutmaster Henry could absolutely fish a body out of the pool with ease. And really, we’d prefer it be him to most of the lifeguards currently working at the Y downtown.
7. Health Care Professions
We should warn whoever his instructor is for this one, when the Scout starts earning this badge he’s going to be coming at it with a lot of intensity and a lot of passion. We know he wants to stand up for health care workers and he for sure is gonna do just that. But don’t expect him to stop at only naming three duties of a registered nurse to fill out that one requirement.
6. Basketry
You’re goddamn right Scoutmaster Henry knows how to make a basket. Just look at him – that man knows his wicker. Plus he’s only required to try so not much can really go wrong with this one.
5. Citizenship In the Community
Isn’t the scene really just one big community? No, it’s actually like five thousand different, weird communities that all absolutely hate each other. But ask a hardcore kid, a ska fan, a goth, and just that one creepy old guy who always hangs out in the venue bathroom and they’ll all confirm that Scoutmaster Henry has been an ardent citizen of whatever community he feels like.
4. Athletics
Unfortunately, we are unable to elaborate on the specifics of his earning this merit badge thanks to the Scout’s court documents in his case against Bally Total Fitness still being kept confidential. But if the rumors we have heard from those documents are to be believed, he is more than adept at earning this badge and also that guy who didn’t wipe down the chest press when he was done totally had it coming.
3. Music
Black Flag alone probably fills this badge’s prerequisites for Scoutmaster Henry. Though given the Boy Scouts’ reputation for moral sternness they may have some issues when he submits “Slip It In” for his final project.
2. Railroading
Okay, wow. Kind of a dark horse candidate coming in second place here. Really there are two reasons why we think the scout would be very adept at earning this badge:
He would look absolutely smashing wearing a conductor’s hat.
We looked into the requirements for this badge and one of them is just to get really into model railroad building, which we must say we can absolutely see him doing.
1. Public Speaking
Obviously! Scoutmaster Henry made a career out of his public speaking. And even before that he was kind of just doing it all the time anyway without even being paid. Hands down this is the merit badge the scout is most adept to earn, and frankly, he may have earned it already by accident.
Fuck. That means we’re gonna have to revisit this badge when we do this list again but with Jello Biafra.