Before we get into the bloody and messy specifics regarding the power trio law enforcement officers who double as the multi-faceted subjects for this ranking, we have to say that the worst album from London, England’s The Police is better than all unlawful activity that has ever taken place globally, and most certainly the best Fun Lovin’ Criminals full-length that came out. The Police not only have other songs not called “Every Breath You Take,” but they have five LPs, and we are ranking them from worst to best below. No live records or compilation albums made the cut, as we are sticklers for accuracy and happiness. Also, the band’s 1977-1986 run should be studied by all bands trying to make it, as Sting, Andy Summers, and Stewart Copeland are better than you in every way and have the sales, critical acclaim, gumption, and tantric gestures to prove it!
5. Ghost in the Machine (1981)
The Police’s fourth full-length studio album was their biggest departure at the time and, frankly, of all time, nixing a formerly sneering and salivating punk rock attitude and pick it up, pick it up reggae and ska upstrokes in favor of saccharine and all things sweet, which isn’t a bad thing per se, but one album had to be listed last here, so if you’re not happy about this, keep living your sad life in darkness. Too much information? Who cares because as we all know, every little thing you do ISN’T magic. Still, like pretty much everything that The Police put out, “Ghost in the Machine” was more than critically acclaimed by inferior publications and the like, and said effort sold enough units to showcase that fans didn’t care what genre they were performing as long as they connected with the tunes. Also, the cover looks like what displays on the Predator’s wrist in “Predator” right before he blows himself up, and that movie rules.
Play it again: “Every Little Thing That She Does Is Magic”
Skip it: “Omegaman”
4. Reggatta de Blanc (1979)
You’d be hard pressed to find a better opening track to a 1970s or any other decade LP than “Message in a Bottle,” but such gems are what casual and hardcore fans expect from The Police, and the band’s sophomore full-length was the polar opposite of a slump by any stretch of a yogi’s imagination. The album’s actual title loosely translates in French to “White Reggae” and said moniker is more than accurate, and trumps known racist Eric Clapton’s cover of Bob Marley’s “I Shot The Sheriff” by way more than cocaine-laced bullets. The ranking of this one and the next to be mentioned could change on the day based purely on the songs.
Play it again: “Message in a Bottle”
Skip it: “Does Everyone Stare”
3. Outlandos d’Amour (1978)
“Next to You,” the first song on the band’s debut album “Outlandos d’Amour” started the band’s career with a bang and then some. Three-tenths of this album are literally three hit songs known as “Roxanne,” “Can’t Stand Losing You,” and “So Lonely,” so beat that, The Knack? Self produced albums sometimes get a flurry of sneers, but this one was a far cry from a curl of one’s lip and provided a sonic blueprint for others to be DIY till they die or sign a major label deal with A&M. Thank goodness to the world that this album’s original title could have been “Police Brutality” as said dad joke pun would have murdered anyone who enjoyed “Roxanne,” and the band would have had to stand losing you.
Play it again: “Roxanne”
Skip it: “Masoko Tanga”
2. Zenyatta Mondatta (1980)
One of the lesser spoken of or journaled about records from The Police is without question or hesitation a no “skip it” effort front to back, and demands your attention far more than a pork pie suit ever could. Thus, it wins the silver medal here, but as you all know, second place is the first loser, so we are in effect, driving the band and Zenyatta aficionados to wet and unrelenting tears. If you’re curious, and we know that you are, both “zenyatta” and “mondatta” are made up words, and we will de do do do, de da da da till the sun comes out or are notified to quit by our legal guardian Lawrence as a result. This record is the band’s last non-English album title, and also their final Warped Tour-esque sans screamo or guyliner release. Bombs away.
Play it again: Zenyatta to Mondatta
Skip it: In front of your camel
1. Synchronicity (1983)
The Police’s fifth and final album, is quite a freaking swan song, to say the least, complete with actual song sequels and a literal murder by numbers. In fact, one might say that it formed a perfect final LP blueprint for all bands moving forward with style, grace, walking, and breaths. Speaking of something that should definitely be regal, “King of Pain,” the album’s third of five singles, is their best and most underrated radio track, and likely the band’s highest quality song from a songwriting component altogether. We know that “Weird Al” Yankovic likely introduced you to this track in the form of suede, and honestly, that doesn’t make us mad; Dr. Demento is “mad.” In closing, sad is sometimes worse than mad, and we will take every breath for the rest of our lives with an unlikely and frowning yearning for album #6. Thank you, mother(s).
Play it again: “Synchronicity I”-“Murder By Numbers”
Skip it: Stalking