If there’s one thing that everyone can agree on, it’s that existence is a punishing ordeal that we all must endure until our inevitable deaths. But don’t let that keep you down! We’ve come up with a handy list of must-try coping mechanisms designed for anyone with a case of the blues…unless you’re a Phoebe Bridgers fan, obviously. None of this shit will work for anyone who owns “Punisher” on vinyl.
Stop Listening To Phoebe Bridgers
We highly advise against listening to any of Phoebe Bridgers’ discography if you’re suffering from the following issues: anxiety, depression, PTSD, allergies, stomach aches, or skelephobia as they will all be enhanced by her emo-folk indie-pop. We also suggest avoiding her collaborations with Conor Oberst and Julien Baker as they’ve been shown to cause severe indigestion. This should be a fairly easy one to follow, unless you are a Phoebe Bridger’s fan, then obviously you’re SOL.
Deep Breathing
We recommend taking a deep breath through your nose, holding it, and then slowly breathing out through your mouth. Let’s try it now! Mmh, ahh. Wasn’t that nice? And of course try not let this exercise remind you of Phoebe’s lyric “But you’re breathing in my open mouth, you’re the gun in my lips that will blow my brains out.”
Talking With Friends
Spending time with your closest friends can be just what the doctor ordered! The support of a loving companion who is willing to listen can rejuvenate even the most downtrodden among us. Honestly this one is foolproof, it would work for literally anyone! Anyone except the type of person who would spend hours telling their friends about the time they made .5 seconds of eye contact with Phoebe Briders at Lolla.
Adopt A Pet
When in doubt, take on more responsibility! That should sort everything out. Adopting a furry, scaly, and/or feathered friend could put the shambled state of your life into perspective, but remember that your pet isn’t a toy. If you start dressing your fur baby in a skeleton onesie and posting pictures until Phoebe Bridgers retweets you, that could actually make your pet’s mental health worse instead of making yours better. Really makes you think, huh?
Professional Help
Seeking help from an expert is nothing to be afraid of, and may provide key insight into your state of mind. If it’s good enough for Tony Soprano then it’s good enough for us! If there’s one thing we learned from that show it’s the efficacy of psychotherapy. Meeting with a professional is a fantastic idea as long as that “professional” isn’t a singer, songwriter, or music producer who looks like an insomniatic Targaryan.
Seriously, Just Take A Break From Phoebe Bridgers For A Bit
We get it, you’re enchanted by her poignant songwriting and haunting vocals. But we’re all getting worried by how much Phoebe Bridgers you’ve been listening to lately. Maybe take a break for a bit and listen to something more upbeat? How about some Lizzo? It’s bad bitch o’clock… Right?
Medication
Now, you may believe this one might actually work for Phoebe Bridgers fans. It’s just brain chemistry, right? It’s gotta do something! Wrong. You are wrong. Having worked closely with PBF’s in our research, we can say from first-hand experience that SSRI’s didn’t stop a single person from listening to “Moon Song ” on repeat until they passed out from crying-induced dehydration
Practice Yoga
Namaste! If you’re anything like us, then you’re not nearly as flexible as you could be. Practicing yoga would do wonders for your ability to stretch, relax, and meditate on your life. You could even try going to a yoga studio to downward dog in a group… but be careful. If “Scott Street” starts playing on the instructor’s downtempo playlist then you need to evacuate immediately.
Writing
Journaling is an excellent method of interpreting your thoughts and feelings in a logical way. Try writing down more ideas throughout the day to see the progress you’re making! Just be careful with how deep into your psyche your writing goes, or you’ll end up creating song lyrics like “I’m gonna kill you, if you don’t beat me to it” about your emotionally distant father! And we all know who would be into something like that, don’t we?
Physical Activity 
Guess what, Bridgeheads? Gently swaying back and forth for five hours at a Better Oblivion Community Center concert doesn’t count as exercise. If anything that’s just alternative sleepwalking with extra head-bobbing. Go for a run instead!
Fine, Listen To Phoebe Bridgers
Whatever, go ahead. See if we care.