Press "Enter" to skip to content

Coked-Up MatPat Tries to Use Pokémon Let’s Go! Eevee to Solve JonBenét Ramsey Case

MANHATTAN BEACH, Calif. — Local police conducted a raid on the home of popular YouTube personality Matthew “MatPat” Patrick yesterday evening, reportedly finding the Game Theory host in his home office with 14 kilograms of cocaine, standing in front of a whiteboard with several lines, photographs, newspaper clippings, and a large title that read “JONBENET = POKEMON???”

Patrick, who was allegedly jittering and unresponsive to orders from law enforcement that he turn around, began a long rant explaining his findings.

“Hello, real world! My older theorists will remember that in my last bender we discovered that Eevee has four letter ‘E’s in it. There are also two ‘E’s in ‘JonBenét’, and two capital letters. The Nintendo Switch cartridge is a rectangle, which means it has some of the properties of a square, and the two ‘e’s in JonBenét times the two capital letters equals four, the square root of which is, that’s right, two,” stated Patrick, wearing a tie around his forehead and climbing onto a rolling chair. “This is huge for the case.”

The raid was conducted after the Patrick family reported concerns for the internet star’s safety.

“He hasn’t spoken to me in three days. I asked him if he wanted to go out for our anniversary, and he looked at me with bloodshot eyes and groaned, ‘But there are still so many questions left unanswered,’ then snorted a line of coke off of the underside of a Pikachu amiibo,” a worried Stephanie Patrick, his wife, said to police. “He hasn’t been this way since he thought he saw Sans in the background of a scene from Fight Club. Oh, God, just remembering…”

Police have stated that Patrick is now safe in custody and receiving drug and mental health treatment. However, he did not cooperate at first.

“We had to tackle him to the ground in the end,” said Police Officer Adam Roberto in a public statement. “We told him to put his hands up, but he kept working. Eventually, he looked at us with a crazed stare and told us we could do no more to harm to him than the YouTube algorithm, and then he tried to jump out a window. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

MatPat’s lawyers made few public comments, insisting only that there was no definitive proof of the incident and that the statements from the police were “just a theory.”

We’ve launched a brand new podcast network. Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Want to support Hard Times? Buy a shirt. We’ll use the money to write more articles.