Aries (March 21-April 19)
You’ve been juggling your career, romance, and creative interests for the past year, Aries… and, hey: maybe it’s time to say “fuck it” and put your all into becoming a comedian. I mean, why not? Your mom has always said you’re funny. Maybe you have a real shot at the big time.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Jupiter will give you time to rethink your key relationships, Taurus… like, say, why you’re still friends with Mike, even though he insists on keeping a possum as a pet in his studio apartment. Mr. Bubbles is cool and everything, but rabies is not punk. I don’t care what your boyfriend from when you were 14 said.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Spring is here, Gemini! And you know what that means — tall bike season! Take a cruise around the city on your tall bike, letting everyone in town know exactly how much time and money you have invested into this ridiculously unsafe status symbol.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
A man from your past will make an appearance in your life this week, Cancer, so you better prepare to “name your favorite album” if you plan on wearing that Dropdead shirt in public.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
You’ve been going a little money crazy, Leo… and by money, I mean Bitcoin. Just because you made a sweet $35 doesn’t mean it’s always going to work out that way. Stop investing those birthday checks from Grandma, and invest in something that’s a sure thing — like that coke habit you developed last summer.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Remember that tool from Kate’s party you called “Fred Durst, but worse somehow”? Yeah… you’re probably going to have sex with him sometime around when the sun goes into Gemini (read: this week.) These things do happen, so don’t stress it. We’ve all been there (some of us twice).
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Time to carb up this week, Libra — you’re gonna be doing some running from Tim (he wants his $200 back. For real this time!) But don’t worry too much: he’ll get his 5th concussion this year sometime around the 24th and forget all about it.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Do your best not to take things too personally this week, Scorpio. Several people will voice their unsavory opinions on your new pop-punk project, but don’t worry: they’ll definitely acknowledge that you’re all “really nice dudes, though.”
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Let your emotions run free this week, Sag. They’re finally closing your favorite post-show burrito spot, and it’s okay to cry. There will always be that other burrito spot across the street… or the one on the corner… or the other one on the corner, across from that corner.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Wow — what a crazy month it’s been for you, Capricorn. Four weeks in a row; still no improvement on the poser status. Better luck next month!
Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)
Aquarians are known as impulsive and rebellious. Keeping this in mind, the stars are all pointing at one thing this week — GET A TATTOO RIGHT NOW! ANY TATTOO! HANDS, FACE OR NECK ONLY!
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
You’ll be feeling particularly artistic this week, Pisces. Use the energy to work on your new collage project that definitely won’t be mistaken for all the other collage projects everyone else is working on.
Article by Courtney Baka, Elizabeth Teets, and Chloe Connaughton.