WASHINGTON — President Trump added a new addendum to the COVID-19 relief bill passed by Congress yesterday, prohibiting American women who he feels are “carrying too much junk in the trunk” from receiving federal funds.
“Huge win today! Proud to say taxpayer money will now take on the burden of battling obesity in this country,” tweeted the lame-duck President. “I love women, everyone knows I love women. But some of them, let’s be honest, maybe they need to lay off the ice cream when it’s that time of the month, if you catch my drift.”
“I’m trying to do them a favor — no relief money means less money for soda and candy,” Trump later clarified in another tweet. “I’ve never seen a fat poor person. Of course, I will never get a thank you from the slovenly, slob-like haters!”
Trump supporter Kelly Cramphold is skeptical of the initiative, wondering whether or not she qualifies for federal compensation.
“I’m a mother of two, so I could really use that money. I just haven’t been able to drop the baby weight… especially since gyms aren’t allowed to be open right now in my state,” said Cramphold. “Are they going off of BMI? Or is there a different way the government is going to judge who qualifies? I still support Trump, because he tells it like it is and he’s destroying the Democrats, but if I don’t get these benefits, I might lose my apartment.”
Rep. Nancy Pelosi admonished Trump for the addition to the bill, claiming that he himself isn’t in the best of shape to be making these types of judgment calls.
“The President thinks he can withhold federal funds from taxpaying Americans just because of their size. If he had to play by those rules, he’d have to pay about $1,000 a day just to stay in power. When President Trump sits around the Oval Office, he sits around the Oval Office, if you catch my drift,” said Pelosi. “Mark my words: will not let this hypocritical piece of body-shaming legislation go forward.”
Meanwhile, President-Elect Biden also came out in opposition of the bill.
“Listen, the fat ones always smell the best,” said Biden. “I am directly opposed to the President playing partisan politics with these jolly ladies’ lives. When I take office in January, cushion for the pushin’ will be something to be celebrated, not punished.”