RIVERSIDE, Calif. — A judge set the trial date for Martin Ernick, a concertgoer who allegedly showed his entrance ticket to the bouncer who was only checking IDs, confirmed sources who volunteered to be witnesses in court but only if they were compensated.
“We seek charges of fraud, identity theft, and treason against Mr. Ernick for his gross display of malice when attempting to enter the Larva Ash concert on May 30th,” announced prosecutor Karlie Foster, who has successfully convicted dozens of concertgoers for holding up the merch line. “In this premeditated act, Mr. Ernick knew exactly what he was doing when he produced the ID- why would Igor the bouncer be holding a flashlight to scan a ticket on your phone? We need to get this scum off the streets and into the electric chair.”
Ernick, whose bond is set at $1 million, has had a chance to reflect on his heinous acts while awaiting trial.
“I swear I didn’t mean any harm. It’s just that when I got to the front of the line, things were so chaotic,” said irredeemable piece of shit Ernick, who has found Jesus possibly in a ploy to curry favor with potential jurors. “People were barking orders, there were metal detectors, and I don’t know. I guess I just kinda… lost it. I last remember opening the Apple Wallet app on my phone. When I came back to consciousness, I was handcuffed, tumbling into a Crown Vic. I saw the bouncer being wrapped in a blanket while crying, and I passed out again. While I don’t deserve it, I hope God can forgive me for what I’ve done.”
Forensic psychologists attempt to explain the possible motives behind such unimaginable acts.
“Many modern men are lonely and angry- it doesn’t take much to radicalize them into beings like Martin, capable of causing tremendous amounts of pain to innocent people,” said Dr. Travis Graff, professor of forensic psychology at UC Riverside. “They are indifferent to the effects of their actions, such as the mental wounds left on poor Igor the Bouncer. The man may never resume his job of making bar patrons feel inferior and inadequate.”
Grand jury testimony revealed that Ernick may also be charged with racketeering for running an organized ring of people who spend way too long shaking it off at urinals between bands.