PITTSBURGH – Taylor Swift’s recent whirlwind trip to the Steel City caused real estate prices to skyrocket by a shocking margin, locals currently dealing with rent hikes confirm.
“I have no fucking clue what happened. One day I was looking to buy a house, and the next the price had doubled. It’s in Mount Lebanon, for fuck’s sake. It didn’t dawn on me until later that the only thing that occurred in between my searches was Taylor Swift coming to town,” said prospective buyer Allison Harding. “I’ve been saving for a down payment for literally a decade, and now all of that is fucked just because several hundred-thousand Swfities trucked into the city and utterly boosted the economy. I’m doomed.”
Real estate agent Patti Sinford felt differently about the recent boom in her market.
“The Eras Tour has been the single best thing to ever hit the local market, from my perspective, and that includes the bubble prior to the 2008 crash that made me rich to begin with,” Sinford said while showing a shoddy South Side mansion to a millionaire. “Pittsburgh hasn’t seen this much economic activity in years. Suddenly the demand is through the roof for buyers in town, and I have to assume it’s all from the ‘rich effect’ emanating from Taylor’s very being. I wonder where she’s going next because I need to buy low and sell high ASAP.”
Tom Peterson, a representative from the Federal Reserve, weighed in on the phenomenon.
“We’ve been desperately trying to limit inflation for years now since the pandemic, and right when we started to get shit in line, Taylor comes in and tanks us,” Peterson said. “We’re going to have to raise rates again. We’re honestly thinking about serving Ms. Swift with papers, demanding that she limits touring, because this is getting completely out of hand. If she keeps this up, even houses in completely undesirable sections of Middle America will be half a million dollars. And even the rarest, wealthiest millennials will be locked out of home ownership.”
At press time, Sinford was seen buying every fixer-upper within a 50-mile radius of Detroit, the next stop on Swift’s tour.