MINNEAPOLIS — General Mills announced today a new line of Nature Valley breakfast bars called “Just Chunks and Dust” that will be released to North American audiences next month, confirmed sources who stopped buying those 15 years ago.
“We’ve spent $2.4 billion in research and development powered by the latest AI. It’s groundbreaking and brave,” said Nature Valley CEO Jeff Harmening. “Consumers can now carve their own path when enjoying our award-winning granola debris. They are no longer confined by traditional paradigms of rolled oat bars that are solid and stay together organically. Our focus groups ensured us the experience was ‘liberating’ albeit ‘confusing’ and ‘unwarranted.’ Still, it tested way higher than Apple Jacks ever had.”
Bailey “Big Dog” Harmening, the 17-year-old intern credited with coming up with the concept who just so happens to be the CEO’s son, described the creative process behind the product’s development:
“I thought, what if these bars were like, even more smashed up, yo. It’d be hella funny,” said the high school student. “It has all the health benefits of granola, but it’s in powder form. You know when you’re eating an oat and honey-flavored Nature Valley granola in your car and about 30 tiny pieces of it unexpectedly break off and they end up all over your seat, floor, dashboard, center console, cup holder, gas tank, and engine? That’s what sets us apart. Our products defy the laws of physics.”
Hervé Carver, a leading food scientist of 40 years, noted that the “Just Chunks and Dust” product is the latest step in major food processors trying the first idea they come up with.
“In the last year we’ve seen the McDonald’s Grimace Meal, Kraft’s Chubby Checker Chunky Cheddar Mac and Cheese, and, of course, Arby’s Slop Restaurant,” said Carver. “It’s increasingly clear that the industry thinks consumers will eat anything that you put in front of them, and they’re not exactly wrong. For instance, Hamburger Helper was invented as a joke in the ‘70s and people still eat it up today. No one even knows exactly what it is for sure.”
At press time, Nature Valley also announced that their granola bars will come with their own little vacuum cleaner to pick up the inevitable crumbs.