YAPHANK, N.Y. — Local Donald Trump supporter Andy Damiano made something of a stir on his block after erecting a modified version of Old Glory in front of his house that many believe bears a striking resemblance to the Pride Flag, sources report.
“It’s really about bringing us all together as Americans,” said Damiano when questioned about the motive behind his display. “And I think it’s working. There were a bunch of libtards in Subarus with Harris/Walz bumper stickers still on them, honking and waving and yelling ‘Woo-Hoo!’ at me yesterday. And even the feminazi next door—you know the type, with one of those ‘In This House’ lawn signs—came over to tell me how much she approved. Then she asked me if I did it for pride. You’re Goddamn right I did it for pride! I’m proud of all the brave men and ladies that keep America great. Maybe I misjudged her.”
Damiano’s childhood friend and poker buddy Zach Dubé finds the entire thing perplexing and a little embarrassing.
“I’m partially to blame here,” commented Dubé. “I mean, he used to have one of those standard issue ones with the thin blue line on it, and I pointed out that us garbage collectors are three times as likely to get killed on the job as cops, but nobody’s thanking us for our service or offering us qualified immunity. We should get a stripe! Andy didn’t believe me about that at first, but he checked it with Grok, and things just kind of snowballed from there. Brown for us, pink for the nurses, yellow for ‘asset protection,’ and on and on until he just ran out of bars. He did leave one white one, though, for ICE. I don’t have it in me to tell him what he accidentally recreated. He worked so hard on that flag. It’d break his heart.”
LGBTQIA+ community alliance leader Terry Parsons-Dobroshtan took note of Damiano’s inadvertent allyship.
“Obviously, this guy is confused and kind of a dumbass,” responded Parsons-Dobroshtan. “But it ultimately becomes sort of a ‘stopped clock right twice a day’ thing. I mean if some queer kid walking down the street spots what looks like another Pride Flag variation flying right above one that says ‘Don’t Tread On Me,’ and gets the sense that here is a person willing to stand up for the at-risk and marginalized, it’s hard to argue with the result. Of course. I wouldn’t want said kid to strike up a conversation and have the illusion ruined, but nine times out of ten these MAGA guys have court orders preventing them from coming within fifty feet of a minor anyway.”
As of press time, Damiano is said to be considering adding more colored stripes to the flag’s left edge in a triangle pattern to better reflect the Holy Trinity and America’s heritage as a Christian nation.