NEW YORK — Former President Donald Trump announced a sweeping series of policy changes intended to overhaul the United States prison system shortly after being convicted of 34 felonies related to falsifying documents, campaign officials confirmed.
“I love the criminals, I always have,” said Trump in an impromptu press conference outside of a Manhattan criminal courthouse this afternoon. “That is why today, after a long 30 minutes of crafting policy, I am releasing a set of proposals to completely reform America’s crumbling prison system. Don’t even the lowliest felons among us deserve king sized beds and personal valets? Angela Davis said that to me once. We love Angela Davis, don’t we folks?”
While the new policy completely changes Donald Trump’s stated views on “law and order,” it’s unclear if it will lose him any support from his faithful supporters.
“I think compassion to felons is what this country was founded on,” said Blake Nerney, as he furiously scraped a rusty pocket knife on his “LOCK HER UP” forearm tattoo. “I’ve always believed this, ever since today: everyone deserves a second chance. This country has serious, systemic issues with its jails, so it makes sense to me that Trump is the guy who is finally going to do something about it.”
Prison abolitionist and activist Lena Olbert views Trump’s change of heart with skepticism.
“While I obviously appreciate his suggested policy changes here, I can’t help but think there is some sort of ulterior motive,” said Olbert from her shoddy desk. “I, too, want to end the epidemic of mass incarceration and racially-motivated arrests in the United States. But based on Trump’s current positioning of, well, being a convicted felon, I honestly have to say that this is the most bald-faced last-ditch attempt of all time to save his own skin. What a fucking spineless asshat.”
When reached for comment, Trump campaign’s spokesman claimed that the policy is firm, unless the appeal goes how they want, in which case they do reserve the right to take-backsies.