Press "Enter" to skip to content
Pre-order the new Hard Times book for a chance to win!

Dear Scabby: What is BDSM?

Dear Scabby: What does BDSM stand for? -WTF

Dear WTF: BDSM refers to “blowing dildos sex machine,” or maybe “boner dive… something, something,” but can also stand for, “I love him, but I’m no longer in love with him. I mean, our families get along, so at this point it’s easier to stay than it is to leave. Maybe latex and a wooden horse is the answer.” The term is often used loosely on dating sites by people who claim to be a B(lowing)D(ildos)S(ex)M(achine) but proceed to fuck you missionary style and kiss you with the kind of dispassion usually reserved for people lying in caskets.

I first engaged in BDSM as a way to make use of all the zip ties and dog cages I had laying around my apartment, but later found the community was a great way to alleviate Catholic guilt and the residual shame from that time my mom walked in on me masturbating to an episode of Gilligan’s Island. For reasons best left unexplored, I’m a real Whodini at getting out of knots, so it bodes well for me that former Boy Scouts members account for a huge portion of BDSMers.

Dear Scabby: I don’t have AC or access to a pool and it’s already hot as fuck where I’m at, what can I do to stay cool for cheap? -EVERYTIMEIFRY

Dear Every Time I Fry: I spent most of my childhood summers locked in a Dodge Dart parked outside of an off-track betting, so I can comfortably withstand temperatures up to 125 degrees, but if your heat tolerance is lower and you don’t mind picking leeches off of your legs for the better half of a Saturday, the James River is a great place to cling to a boulder while you watch parents hit their kids alongside VCU students succumbing to alcohol poisoning trapped in an inner tube.

I’m always cold because my parents are Eastern European and I’m B-12 deficient, so I’ll be panhandling my way up the east coast in a pair of matted Ugg boots until mid-August, but how you cool off can say a lot about you. Pool politics are alive and well in the suburbs, and it’s worth knowing that while an in-ground pool tells people your parents are orthodontists, a Slip ’N Slide let the neighbors know you were laid off and Santa probably isn’t coming to your house this year.

Dear Scabby: I’ve been living in NYC for nearly 11 years and I think I’m finally getting priced out. I don’t want to move to LA, and San Francisco seems just as expensive as where I’m at — what’s a cool place to live that won’t cost me everything I make? -JUSTTURNED25

Dear Just Turned 25: Locals complain that the monopolization of New York has dulled the city’s edges and turned it into an urban Disneyland, but I’d argue New York is still dangerous, what with the swarms of SantaCon participants bar crawling through midtown, and NYU marketing students roaming the East Village high off fireball nips and creme brûlée Juul pods. The fact you can take your child to Times Square and visit a four-story M&M shop in what used to be a bombed-out peepshow for insomniacs and perverts tells me New York is scarier now more than ever.

“Wherever you go there you are” is a saying that means whether you move to LA, Portland, San Francisco or Austin, you’ll just be ordering the same matcha latte in a different area code. Your best bet is to become a trailblazer and move an hour upstate where you can open a diner called “Poppyseed” or “Clementine’s” that will have the locals feeling unwelcome and leave them unable to choose between the raw oatmeal and the tahini acai bowl because they have no idea what the hell either of those things are.

Scabby is the self-proclaimed mother of the Richmond, VA hardcore scene (and also a number of illegitimate children who have been trying to get in touch with her via ancestry.com.) She came this close to getting her associates degree in psychology from an online program that was later shut down for reasons we cannot disclose due to an ongoing investigation. Originally named Gabby F., she started going by Scabby after an untreated bed bugs “situation” in her first squat made national news, and is assumed to be anywhere between 50 and 100 years old. She looks forward to answering your most pressing questions and encourages people to push each other mentally, emotionally, and literally. You can contact Scabby at [email protected]

Want to support Hard Times? Buy a shirt. We’ll use the money to write more articles.