Dear Scabby: I currently have crushes on two coworkers. What should I do? -PROFESSIONALLY TORN IN PITTSBURGH
Dear Professionally Torn in Pittsburgh: First off, I’d like to applaud you on your comradeship. Before I found extremely limited success in my small but iconic Christian hardcore band, Priest Infection, I also worked in an office as a telemarketer selling the remnants of the unfortunately failed tampon brand, No Strings Attached. When I wasn’t busy putting a hex on my boss, I was in the break room sneaking a small yet effective dose of eye drops into my coworkers’ bagged lunches.
Not only did you manage to find two people you can stand to be around in that overly air-conditioned corporate hell-scape you call a job, but you found two people you wouldn’t mind fucking in a supply closet that’s usually reserved for stifled crying.
You’ve found love in a hopeless place, so now what? Who cares. You’ll be miserable in three months no matter who you choose because you just seem like that kind of guy. Draw straws, eeny meeny miny moe it, or better yet, flip a coin and leave your dime-store romance up to the dime itself. -SCABBY
Dear Scabby: My job keeps expecting me to come in for a few hours on Saturday to help with “important work” — this was not in my contract, and while it used to be once every two months, now it’s frequent, like, every week! Should I refuse to do it or just keep quiet & be a team player? -SCHEDULED TO SLEEP IN
Dear Scheduled to Sleep In: There’s a great episode of “Friends” where George Costanza gets fired from a job he hates but continues coming into work anyway just to spite the company. Spite is an underused but totally healthy motivator in dealing with workplace problems, and this is a great opportunity to show your boss who’s boss. I just thought of that on the spot! Anyway, you should come in even on the days he hasn’t asked you to work and then slowly but surely start moving in some personal items. He wants you to work overtime? Good. Teach this guy a lesson he won’t forget by using the copy machine to dry your handwash-only unmentionables.
A long time ago, as a young Scabby in the booming metropolis of Richmond, Virginia, I worked for Mattel in a factory basement discarding Barbies that had missing arms or legs. My boss started insisting that I come in on my days off, and while at first, I resisted, I eventually saw this as an opportunity to combine home and work by making my work my home. In other words, make him smoke the whole pack, if you will. People tell you to love where you work, but I say fuck that —live where you work and you’ll never pay rent a day in your life. -SCABBY
Dear Scabby: My ex-boyfriend was hitting on me really hard the other day. I don’t like him romantically, but I want to still be friends. What should I do? -MIXED SIGNALS IN SARASOTA
Dear Mixed Signals in Sarasota: Three words: Single White Female. This was a popular romantic comedy that probably came out well before you were even born about two best friends and the hi-jinx that ensued. A young twenty-something named Alison (Allie) Jones is looking for a roommate after her and her fiancé call off their engagement. Allie ends up striking the roommate jackpot with Hedra (Hedy) Carlson, another young woman looking for a room to rent. They totally hit it off and end up doing all sorts of cute roommate stuff together, like wearing similar outfits and getting the exact same haircut.
I don’t want to give anything away, but in a moment of true friendship, Hedy exacts revenge on Allie’s ex-fiancé by impaling him through the eye with her stiletto. Did she go too far? Some movie critics say yes. The point I’m getting at is that an ex is an ex for a reason. This person wasn’t good for you then and they aren’t good for you now. I would never tell someone to kill their ex (because in some countries that would be considered conspiracy to murder), but I will say that when I dead an ex, I mean it. -SCABBY
Scabby is the self-proclaimed mother of the Richmond, VA hardcore scene (and also a number of illegitimate children who have been trying to get in touch with her via ancestry.com.) She came this close to getting her associates degree in psychology from an online program that was later shut down for reasons we cannot disclose due to an ongoing investigation. Born Gabby F., she started going by Scabby after an untreated bedbugs “situation” in her first squat made national news, and is assumed to be anywhere between 50 and 100 years old. She looks forward to answering your most pressing questions and encourages people to push each other mentally, emotionally, and literally. You can reach her at [email protected].