KANSAS CITY, Mo. — A normally violent, freewheeling circle pit at a recent all-ages show suddenly transitioned into a tranquil, toxin-eliminating massage train that encompassed nearly the entire crowd, refreshed sources confirmed.
“I was in the pit, really fucking shit up, when all of a sudden some jagoff grabs me by the shoulders. I’m about ready to turn around and slug him, but then he starts squeezing my chicken wings with just the right amount of pressure. I was pretty much putty in his hands,” said attendee Dina Paraskevi. “After landing crooked during a stage dive earlier, I definitely needed the rub. But then, someone asked me if they could get in on it… and next thing you know, we got a massage train going 50 heads deep.”
Fellow audience member and scene elder Steve “Booze” Crews called into question everything he knew about punk shows following the bizarre incident.
“It makes you wonder: why aren’t we doing this at every show? We all pile into these tiny-ass venues, listen to eardrum-blistering music, and thrash and bash into each other like low IQ chimps. If only we’d known we could’ve been kneading our fellow punks’ necks this whole time,” said Crews. “The typical angst of punk music also goes down much easier when you’re getting a trigger point massage from a burly skinhead with hands like a longshoreman.”
However, guitarist during the rubdown orgy Theresa Myers admitted she didn’t appreciate the sudden outbreak of therapeutic touch during her performance.
“I don’t know what it says about me, but I was angry the crowd stopped beating the piss from one another. No one is even sure why or how it started — it was like one of those old-timey dancing plagues,” said Myers. “The craziest part was, the guy that initiated the train remains a total mystery. Rumor has it, he even had acupuncture needles and was letting people take hits of cucumber water from his Camelbak… but when we looked for him after, it was like he’d vanished into thin air.”
Since the now legendary incident, there have been several unsubstantiated sightings of “massage man” throughout the country, allegedly spreading good vibes and working out punks’ knots from sea to shining sea.