SCARSDALE, N.Y. — Local estranged dad Scott Barry is reportedly still winning as a father by simply buying his children “whatever the fuck they want” despite missing every single important moment in their lives, sources close to the rich prick confirmed.
“Technically, I’m a terrible parent. But you can’t argue with the results,” Barry said by phone from an unlisted number. “Thanks to me, my kids – who I’ve never met – wear the freshest Jordans, only play the newest gaming systems, and have foie gras in their fucking Lunchables. They don’t want to go fishing; they want Taylor Swift tickets and selfies from the Dolomites. Look, I love my kids – whatever their names are – the same way my dad loved me: with a credit card from as far away as possible. The amount of shares my gifts get on their socials proves I’m killing it. Millions of paid followers can’t be wrong.”
Son Jackson Barry acknowledges his father’s shortcomings but claims his flaws are actually strengths.
“My dad is human garbage, but we have a beautiful relationship,” said the 11-year-old, while bullying someone on Twitch. “We’ve never even spoken yet he knows exactly what kind of trendy expensive shit to buy me. Sure, sometimes I wish me and the old man could toss the pigskin around in the backyard. But hiring Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes to play catch with me instead has been way better. I’m already being scouted by D-1 schools and I’m only in middle school. I love you dad, you piece of fucking shit!”
Despite irreparable emotional damage, child psychologist Pegg Champagne still insists on seeing the Barry kids multiple times a week.
“Are these kids mentally fucked? 100%,” Champagne said. “Even money can’t fix these daddy issues. But I gotta give credit where it’s due. Scumbag or not, pops has prepared his kids for the real world better than most parents, exposing them early to a long life of privilege that only gets better when you’re white, wealthy, and entitled like themselves. These brats don’t only have a membership to the club, they own it. Which is exactly why I keep seeing them. They’re one of my few clients who actually pay. I just bought a brand new Mitsubishi Mirage. Red.”
At press time, it was discovered that Barry had purchased everything for his kids with credit cards taken out in their names, unbeknownst to them.