CLEVELAND — Despite the benefits of accepting 20% off an online order, overwhelming majorities of Americans have decided that the savings are not worth the hassle of trying to unsubscribe from the marketing lists they’ll end up on, confirmed sources.
“I was tempted since everything’s gotten so expensive, but I still remember the last time I tried to unsubscribe from a mailing list,” an exhausted consumer, who refused to give their name out of fear of ending up on another mailing list, noted. “It’s instantaneous that the texts and emails start. After you reply, stop or click unsubscribe, you get this ‘it takes 48 hours to process your request’ notification and so my texts and emails are still blowing up. Even still, you have to confirm that you want to unsubscribe. Twenty percent off two pairs of jeans isn’t worth that bullshit in the long run.”
Marketing reps report that, one way or another, consumers will end up on their mailing lists and that people just need to accept it.
“Just submit and accept that we’re going to get your details so you may as well just make it easy on yourself,” a perky marketing rep named Caylee threatened. “Do you really think ticking the ‘do not add’ box is going to spare you the deluge of marketing emails we have ready for you? Sure, you may not get an email from that specific company, but thanks to AI, your information has been sold to so many companies that your teeny human brain would turn into a gelatinous mush if it tried to comprehend the numbers of corporate entities that have your every single detail on file.”
Consumer experts were no help as they were in a perpetual cycle of monitoring their emails for lists to unsubscribe to.
“It’ll be a cold day in hell before I admit defeat, but I’m devoting my every waking moment to being completely unsubscribed,” noted consumer rights advocate Ralph Nader. “If these motherfuckers think they’re going to defeat Ralph Nader, they don’t know Ralph Nader. Sorry, I’m jacked up on those Celsius Energy Drinks, I’ll go after those later because my heart rate is off the charts, and legal amphetamines but those are hard enough to find, I’ll spare the people on them. So help me God, I’m getting off all those goddamn market lists or, deadass, I’ll burn the nearest data center I can find to the ground.”
At press time, the algorithm thought your efforts to avoid getting on a mailing list were adorable.
