Trump Awarded Hormel Peace Prize 

AUSTIN, MN — The Hormel Corporation has announced today it will be awarding its coveted Hormel Peace Prize to President Donald Trump.

“The Hormel Committee is thrilled to announce that we are awarding President Donald Trump with the Hormel Peace Prize for his dedication to ham-based diplomacy and contributions to the peaceful advancement of processed foods worldwide,” said Hormel Prize Committee Chairman Bob Lawson, presenting the President with a golden Spam medal. “Today, we honor a great man who single-handedly ended a decades-long conflict between Somalia and New Zealand with a can of Dinty Moore Beef Stew and a pen knife. Only a true visionary like the President would be cunning enough to broker peace in the Middle East over a honey-baked ham feast. Without the President’s dedication and commitment to spreading Spamocracy to undeveloped nations, the world surely would have descended into a woke vegan hellhole decades ago. His dedication to peace is as real* as our ingredients.”

Upon hearing the news, President Trump hung up on Ukrainian President Zelenskyy and quickly called an emergency press conference to accept the award.

“The fine folks at Hormel gave me this beautiful Peace Prize, isn’t it wonderful folks? They said if any other person had eaten the amount of processed meat in their lifetime as I have, they’d have died long ago. Still, the doctors said my heart is rock hard and bigger than any heart they’ve ever seen,” said President Trump, quickly snatching the trophy from Lawson, as well as several shiny objects nearby. “You know I singlehandedly ended the Cola Wars in the ‘80s, but did I get anything to show for it? I think if the ungrateful folks at Pepsi want to keep making their little soft drinks without a problem, maybe they should consider giving me a prize too.”

Fox News host Bret Baier broke the historic news to millions of viewers nationwide.

“Not since Ronald Reagan won the ‘Jelly Belly d’Or’ has a President brought such a prestigious award to the White House. If there was ever a doubt about President Trump being the greatest leader in the history of the world, today’s Hormel Peace Prize award officially cemented his legacy,” said Baier, wiping a tear from his eye. “Show me a list of world leaders who have won a Hormel Peace Prize? I’ll wait. And this isn’t some foreign socialist prize they give away to any French homosexual in a labcoat, this is a homegrown honor bestowed by one of the most highly respected institutes in America, the Hormel Corporation.”

At press time, President Trump was shaking down the Quaker Oats Company for a solid gold Cap’n Crunch hat.