NEW YORK — Earlier today, New York City mayoral candidate Andrew Cuomo was seen leaving a polling station in an ambulance with a ballot box wrapped around his penis.
“Just like all of New York City, the ballot box wanted him really badly,” said Cuomo’s campaign manager Greg Goldner, sweat visibly forming on his brow. “So he did what any great mayor would do, give the people (or in this case the ballot box) what it wanted. Becoming aroused by the concept of a democratic election is called patriotism. Mr. Cuomo will not apologize for his passion toward the democratic process. Going the extra step and actually fornicating with a ballot box? Well, that’s just called being Italian.”
After the news broke of Mr. Cuomo’s latest sex scandal, President Trump took to Truth Social to endorse the candidate a second time.
“NEW YORK MUST VOTE FOR CUOMO! ONLY A REAL AMERICAN WOULD GET AN ERECTION FOR AN ELECTION, AND IT IS SAID THAT HIS IS ALMOST AS BIG AS MINE! COMMUNIST ZOHRAN WILL KILL ALL FUTURE ELECTIONS AND MAKE ALL ERECTIONS ILLEGAL! GET OUT AND VOTE FOR CUOMO NEW YORK! THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER.”
At press time, poll workers are consulting with attorneys to see if the ballots covered in Andrew Cuomo’s semen count as a vote towards Cuomo or just pretty much trash.
