I used to tell everyone I wanted a beach body, but then I realized it’s stupid to spend hours a day doing grueling exercises to match a stereotypical “ideal” body type. That’s why I’ll be spending hours a day doing grueling exercises to look how I really want to look—like one of those spooky, fucked-up fish from the depths of the sea.
I used to have a goal weight, but I’ve got new goals now. My new goals? Inspire fear. Thrive in the darkness. Devour any lesser beings that cross me. Also, I want to get back into knitting.
It’s an intense program to make a human being look like a grotesque trench fish with ancient, soulless eyes. To achieve the iconic “aquatic demon” look I’m going for, I’ll be spending 8 hours a day treading water in a dark, haunted void, and fueling myself with a steady diet of kelp and solitude. I’m working towards being able to hold my breath for 24 hours, and I’m currently at about 57 seconds, so I’m basically almost there.
Instead of trying to attract partners with my physique, I’m trying to attract prey with a glow stick I’m dangling in front of my face. I’m working on my eerieness, too—I’ve been practicing classic moves like “You thought I was dead until I blinked” and “Surprise! you’re in my mouth!”
I’ve tried talking to doctors about surgery, but they’ve told me it would be unnecessary because I’m perfectly healthy as I am now, and also that it’s “medically impossible” and “Why would you do that?” and “Are you okay?” But I’ll show them! (I won’t—I’ll be 4,000 feet underwater and beyond the reach of man or God—but I’ll know I bested them.)
I should look how I want to look—and I want to look like what a scream sounds like. Wish me luck!