We all love degenerate gambling, but if you grew up with a poppa who needed “a new pair of shoes” you grew up with a poppa who was doing it wrong. My old man needed shoes, a shirt, a car payment, rent and enough money to feed a family of four when he made his bets because he knew how to live!
Sure, gambling is more accessible than ever thanks to the internet and social decay, but if you want to bet it all on the ponies in style, The Hard Times has got you covered! Here’s our definitive list of venues that offer OTB ranked by how much the old man would take it out on all of us when things didn’t go his way, which occurred at a rate of roughly “inevitably.”
Horse Around
Bridgeport, CT
Located in scenic Bridgeport between a liquor store and another defunct OTB venue, this quaint little gambling parlor caters to casual betters and full-blown deadbeats alike. While it’s a perfectly fine place to throw away a car payment or your kid’s back-to-school clothes money, it ranks low on our list as it would barely sink Dad’s mood below generally sour. He would rarely go on the attack after an evening at The Horse Around, opting instead for a quiet beer on the couch and a curt “fuck off” in response to any question posed to him.
Rollers
Bridgeport, CT
Located in scenic Bridgeport between a gun store and some broken glass, this innocuous OTB features some surprisingly hot action. Dad’s off-the-wagon exploits at rollers inspired him to dish out such classic verbal blows as “Maybe if you lost weight I wouldn’t be embarrassed to show you to my friends” to my mom and “You aren’t going to be smart enough for college anyway” to yours truly.
If you’re an absolutely irredeemable sack of shit, do yourself a favor and do NOT sleep on Rollers.
Murray’s Parlor
Bridgeport, CT
Located in scenic Bridgeport between a methadone clinic and a homeless encampment, this tried and true pony parlor is a top-notch garbage fire. If you’re looking for the self-loathing fueled “oomff” to finally tell every member of your family “fuck you for existing” in the most hurtful and targeted way possible, Murray’s is THE place to be!
Clompers
Hilliard, FL
When Dad relocated the entire family to Florida for a year to “cool his heels for a while,” my chief concern was that he wouldn’t find a suitable bar to place horse bets and then lash out at us. Boy was that unfounded! If you find yourself dodging the northeast bookies in this part of the country you’re gonna wanna pop into Clompers! While the sunshine and year-round beach weather could put a smile on even his contemptuous face from time to time, a few hours at Clompers could knock that “Let’s be a family” bullshit right the fuck out and replace it with a familiar tides of “I am sick and tired of you fucking losers holding back, I gotta live MY life”
Sports Haven
New Haven, CT
Rather than tout the many ingenious ways this place facilitates degeneracy (you can sell them the car you drove there in!) we’re gonna let this bad boy close out our list with its own list! Here are the top 5 devastating things Dad said after a bus ride home from Sports Haven:
5. What kind of a fucking moron manages to burn a meatloaf?!
4. Boy you just can’t do a single fucking thing right can you?
3. You don’t need your teeth fixed, you’re fat enough already!
2. Don’t worry about why I have a black eye, worry about what a (pejorative homophobic slur) you look like with your hair long!
1. Well, I sold the dog.