Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t! And it’s that simple, universal fear that causes you to click on these ‘Wanna Feel Old?’ articles every single god damned time.
You just can’t help yourself! Morbid curiosity compels you to watch the baby from the Nevermind cover drink a beer and contemplate impermanence. And while other, less psychologically devastating clickbait formulas have come and gone over the years, you’ve been letting us rake in advertising revenue by making you feel old for a decade!
That’s right. While you’ve been occupying yourself reading clickbait about how time has passed you by, time has fucking passed you by. While it may seem like only yesterday you were noting that something seemed like only yesterday it wasn’t. It was 2 presidents ago.
Remember that article you read about how the girl from Clarissa Explains it All is in her 30s now? Well That was a decade ago. So Now she’s in her 40s. So now YOU’RE IN YOUR 30s! That’s right, gaze upon your own withered hands with a look of shock and dread.
Can you believe those Taco Bell chihuahua commercials aired 14 years ago! Well, they didn’t, because the article you read about that came out 8 years ago and that dog has been dead for 10. Are you far behind? JFK would have been 100 years old this year, only no he wouldn’t because nobody lives that long.
Nobody.
Uh oh. We’ve just reached the part of the article where you start to realize that there are probably more “Wanna Feel Old” articles behind you than lay ahead of you. How sad for you. But fear not! I’m sure if you keep scrolling you’ll find an interesting little piece about a man doctors hate because of his one simple life extending secret…