I’ve been called a lot of things: selfish, immature, annoying, and, according to my 10th-grade English teacher, an unserious student with no future. But those people are just jealous of my innocent, childlike view of the world. Case in point: the other afternoon, during another SpongeBob marathon, I saw an ad for the Make-A-Wish Foundation, which was super depressing, but it got me thinking about how nice it would be to meet all my favorite superheroes despite having aged out of the program by 20 plus years.
And since I do possess the maturity of a child, I should have access to the same privileges and VIP access Make-a-Wish provides.
Now, before you all jump up my ass and call me a monster, ask yourself this: if you had a life-threatening illness, you’d want a life-affirming pick me up to give you hope, right, and maybe that involves VIP tickets to Riot Fest. Sure, the kids Make-a-Wish have been dealt unfathomable setbacks no child deserves to experience, but last time I checked, we had equal rights or whatever, so my hemorrhoids should at least qualify me to hang out with Aubrey Plaza for a day.
I know it seems like a grift, like the times I’ve tried to order off the kids’ menu at a restaurant by claiming that I’m “young at heart” (or angling for a senior discount, being an “old soul”). This is completely different, because once the organization’s reps meet me in person and see how little impulse control I possess, my ticket to Disney World is as good as punched. Catastrophic illness pending, of course.
I may not be gravely ill today, but hypothetically, if I were to end up with an extended hospital stay due to prostate cancer or even food poisoning, I should have the option of John Cena letting me beat him at Wrestlemania. Hell, if I have to hang out around toxic dump sites to get this ball rolling, I’ll do it.
Age limits should be for drinking, smoking, and driving. As someone who argues with children on Fortnite and sleeps in a racecar bed, Make-a-Wish should be obligated to hook me up. It doesn’t have to be anything crazy like an early Marvel movie screening! I’m more than happy to hang out with the players from the 2002-2003 New Jersey Devils.
And believe me, I will have a temper tantrum if they deny me.
