Hey, thanks, Nathan Fielder, for your recent exposee of a psychotic American weirdo in Elizabeth Holmes.
But the time has come, and our nation’s metalheads cry out for the full bearing of justice upon someone who REALLY deserves it. I am of course referring to Lars Ulrich, the Danish fuckin’ dork ass drummer in Metallica. Can you do this for us, pretty please? Just make this dude go away, please. He hasn’t been cool since 1992, and he won’t disappear to ride horses and eat fries with mayonnaise or whatever the hell they do in Denmark.
We, as a Metalhead nation, are kindly asking you to point that inquisitive face and camera of yours for that close-up shot of his bulging frog-like eyes staring back at you, Mr Fielder, as you press him on why he really turned down Jason’s bass on ‘…And Justice For All’. I mean, seriously, what gives? The studio production is drier than petrified dog shit! Would he lie to you? Yeah, he would, because he’s fucking Lars Ulrich.
No one believes it’s because Lars’ hearing was shot or it clashed with James’ “scooped” guitar sound either. Only you can get to the bottom of this, and we have faith in you after seeing you resist Mrs. Holmes trying to read your mind like an out-of-work sociopath for 3 goddamn hours.
Like it or not, you are the only journalist equipped to handle a psychopath of Lars Ulrich’s caliber. He’s going to try to gain sympathy by talking about the recording of Lulu and crying — we need you to expose them for the crocodile tears that they are.
Mr. Fielder, we at The Hard Times recognize he may never spend time in jail for ruining the way we downloaded bootleg Weird Al songs in 1999, truly one of the greatest crimes of the burgeoning piracy movement, but he can be exposed as the meddling little Temu mediocre metal Gollum that he is. We believe in you!
Lars Ulrich has been lying to fans for years; hell, he even tricked millions into believing that those were actually drums he was playing on St. Anger. He can’t fool me! And he won’t fool you; I just know it. Your journalistic and investigative qualifications are surpassed by so few people alive. You are the Walter Cronkite of documentarians who everyone wants to fuck.
Our scene and this nation need you now more than ever, following your recent accomplishments. We believe in you!
