Ow! Fuckshitfuck, that burns. People put ice on razor burn all the time, so I just figured dry ice would basically do the same thing, but, you know, better. I would’ve thought that all those science education shows that I watched growing up would have prepared me in some way for situations like this. Looks like I got burned in more ways than one, though, because here are five episodes of “Bill Nye the Science Guy” that didn’t do a goddamned thing in preventing me from applying this slab of dry ice directly onto my pubic razor burn.
- Season 1 Episode 11: “The Moon”
OK, cool, using a baseball diamond to illustrate the cycle of the moon is helpful if you want to learn more about space or whatever, but what if you just shaved your pubes because your best friend Samuel told you it makes your dick look bigger, but the razor you used wasn’t sharp enough, and you got razor burn? Where is the helpful visual metaphor explaining what should and should not be used to treat it?
- Season 2 Episode 10: “Communication”
Learning how much the written word revolutionized the way human beings communicate is fascinating, and under normal circumstances, I would show more interest, but the razor burn is like, right at the base of my penis and creeping into my scrotum, so you can imagine how painful that is. I honestly think the burns from the dry ice are causing the skin to flake off, and I have no idea what to do.
- Season 3 Episode 12: “Marine Mammals”
Not to be weird, but can you take a look at this? What do you think, should I go to the hospital? At the very least, I should go to a MedExpress, right? I’m at a loss, but guess what I do know? The dolphin is a mammal, even though it lives underwater. Great. Sooooo helpful. Thanks, Bill Nye.
- Season 4 Episode 2: “Pollution Solutions”
What, so Bill Nye is saying I deserve this agony because I used aerosol shaving cream on my pubes? Good God, does he not have any empathy? I’m doubled over in pain, struggling to write this, and he apparently thinks it’s prudent to pass judgment because I’ve made some decisions that were environmentally destructive. Fuck you, Bill Nye. Fuck. You.
- Season 6 Episode 1: “Comets and Meteors”
Oh great, we’re back in space. Fantastic. This is really applicable to me and my inflamed dick and balls. You know how much better off I’d be if Bill Nye had released one episode entitled “Do Not Put the Dry Ice That Comes In Your ButcherBox Order Anywhere Near Your Pubic Region” and then decided to call it quits? Like, so much better off. I hope he feels awful for having taught me all that unhelpful bullshit instead.
