New Ayatollah From Chicago
TEHRAN — Following Ayatollah Ali Khamenei’s assassination in Operation Epic Fury, the Islamic Republic of Iran has appointed its first…
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Shane Pauker
12 stories found
Marco Rubio Working Two Jobs to Starve Kids
WASHINGTON — Florida Senator Marco Rubio is being forced to take two jobs to keep kids going hungry, confirmed sources. …
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London Awards Charli XCX Key Bump to the City
LONDON — The City of London has awarded longtime resident Charli XCX the Key Bump to the City, sources confirmed.…
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Tyler, the Creator Locked in Eternal Cosmic Struggle with Tyler, the Destroyer
LOS ANGELES — Musician Tyler, the Creator’s struggle with rival cosmic entity Tyler, the Destroyer is projected to reign eternal,…
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Crowd Apparently Feeling “Whoo” Tonight
AKRON, Ohio — Attendees at Hamster Death Method’s latest concert felt overwhelmingly “whoo,” per an impromptu survey conducted by the…
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Chicago Teen Praying Riot Fest’s Lineup Includes Reunion of His Divorced Parents
CHICAGO — Teenager Liam Mason is desperately holding out hope that Riot Fest’s mystery lineup will include a reunion of…
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The Wiggles and Raffi to Headline When We Were Even Younger Festival
LAS VEGAS — Organizers announced that kids’ music legends The Wiggles and Raffi will headline the upcoming When We Were…
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Concert Attendee Gnaws Off Own Ankle After Stepping in Spilled Beer Sticky Trap
OAKLAND, Calif. — Concertgoer Seth Mosley had no choice but to chew off his own foot after it got stuck…
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Opinion: I Liked Turnstile Better Before They Were Born
Turnstile used to play real hardcore, man. I don’t know what happened to them. People like to call out their…
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Metalhead Lets Down Ponytail, Takes Off Glasses, Gets a Little Uglier
CINCINNATI — Metalhead Tim Grant took off his glasses, let down his ponytail, and shook his hair out, only to…
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