Incel Guitarist Doesn’t Believe G Chord Exists
GALLATIN, Tenn. — Local 23-year-old guitarist Brandon Hanish stunned his bandmates this week when he announced, unprompted, that he does…
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Dan Kozuh
428 stories found
Metal Band Forces Guitarist to Decide Between Them or His Career at Medieval Times
ORLANDO, Fla. — Local metal band Grave Mistake issued an ultimatum Tuesday after their lead guitarist Jackson Hollister has been…
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Slipknot Loses Three Members Due to Iowa Gerrymandering
DES MOINES, Iowa — Legendary Iowa metal band Slipknot confirmed Monday that it is being forced to relinquish three of…
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Denver Man Still Hides Weed in “Lord of the Rings” DVD Case for Nostalgia’s Sake
DENVER — Despite living in a fully legal state, having no roommates, and being gifted a climate-controlled humidor for his…
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Metalhead Wishes Suburban Moms Would Be As Afraid of Him As They Are of Black Family Enjoying a Picnic
KENILWORTH, Ill. — Local metalhead Travis Garnette was dejected after failing to scare unsuspecting suburbanites while wandering around Lovelace Park…
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These Losers Are Paying $15 for a Cocktail Where 2 Ativan and a Modelo Tall Boy Is Like $3
You know what’s truly pathetic? The crowds of trust-fund influencers desperately trying to get a bartender's attention, only to drop…
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Punk Traveling Abroad Knows How To Say “Nice Shirt, Name Three Songs” in Six Languages
LINKÖPING, Sweden — An American punk backpacking through Europe reportedly refused to learn simple key phrases for the countries he…
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Companies Struggling to Find Return-To-Office Perks That Top Masturbating at Home
NAPERVILLE, Ill. — Major companies are reportedly scrambling to come up with workplace perks that can rival masturbating freely in…
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“Hey Jealousy” and 10 Other ‘90s Songs You Have No Idea How the Hell You Know All the Lyrics To
You spent your teen years as far underground as the suburbs would allow. You avoided broadcast radio apart from a…
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Children Starving in Gaza Wish Trump Would Use Them to Distract from Epstein Scandal
GAZA CITY — Malnourished children living in increasingly dire conditions in Gaza expressed disappointment Monday that President Donald Trump has…
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