You know what’s truly pathetic? The crowds of trust-fund influencers desperately trying to get a bartender’s attention, only to drop fifteen bucks (plus tip) on…
LINKÖPING, Sweden — An American punk backpacking through Europe reportedly refused to learn simple key phrases for the countries he is visiting, opting instead to…
NAPERVILLE, Ill. — Major companies are reportedly scrambling to come up with workplace perks that can rival masturbating freely in the comfort of their own…
You spent your teen years as far underground as the suburbs would allow. You avoided broadcast radio apart from a static-filled community college radio station,…
GAZA CITY — Malnourished children living in increasingly dire conditions in Gaza expressed disappointment Monday that President Donald Trump has yet to exploit their suffering…
LOS ANGELES — Sharon Osbourne believes that her recently deceased husband Ozzy Osbourne still has enough juice in the tank to keep touring and performing…
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Health officials working the medical tent at the popular Living Flesh Music Festival have confirmed reports of a full-blown outbreak of Dry…
DENVER — Local metalhead Nick Landon, 35, carefully considered his answer after his primary care physician asked him how many alcoholic drinks he consumes in…
LOS ANGELES — Streaming giant Amazon Prime announced today the upcoming release of “I’m The One,” an alternate-history series that ponders how history might change…
NEW YORK — Random House Children’s Books official reissue of the long-dismissed 1991 Dr. Seuss manuscript “Oh, The Ways You’re Fucked!” is quickly becoming the…
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Administrators at Harvard University are currently reaching out to everyone in their network and asking if anyone knows a good lawyer who…
SEATTLE — A casual dinner amongst old friends at The Prissy Duck took a turn Friday night when apparent nouveau riche Luke Moore encouraged everyone…
BALTIMORE — Local mother and lifelong punk Sherri Dalton reportedly brought her 11-year-old son to a DIY concert this weekend to shop for new clothes,…
BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local couple Jordan Meyers and Alexis Carter reportedly left their unique collection of used sex toys ignored in their kitchen sink, treating…
CHICAGO — Local baseball fans and metalheads discovered that they shared an affinity to drink in parking lots, while one group was pregaming for death…