RICHMOND, Va. — Small-time weed dealer Joel Dilts confirmed today that he knew the crisp $50 bill he received yesterday from a regular customer for an eighth of “some top-shelf shit” definitely came from the buyer’s grandma.
“You gotta understand the history here,” Dilts began as he finished rolling up his morning joint. “This is the same guy who’s hit me up for five-sacks every weekend night for the past eight months — and sure, he’s always on time and super friendly, but like, come on dude, get it together and just buy in bulk. So when I saw that fresh $50 without even a slight crease in the middle, I knew it must’ve been his birthday last week or something, and that at least one of his grandmothers is still alive.”
For his part, customer Robert Murphy believed his stoned subterfuge was undetectable to Dilts, who couldn’t care less where the money came from.
“Oh, yeah… there’s no way he’s gonna know I’m blowing all the money my grandmother specifically told me ‘not to spend on pot’ on some dank shit,” Murphy chuckled. “If he asks, I’ll just tell him I moved and got my security deposit back. He’s a nice guy and he never leaves me on read if he’s out and waiting to get more, but I don’t think he’s the frostiest nug in the bag, if you catch my drift. He doesn’t even say anything when I try to trade bud for gift cards just before the new year. It’s almost too easy.”
Dilts noted he’s had a few instances where money from elderly relatives was blatantly obvious.
“When December 26th hits, I always get flooded with people who are all of a sudden looking for weight… but sometimes, the random holidays will hit too,” Dilts explained. “Last end of September, I totally got a couple bills straight from Rosh Hashanah cards. I even had a good buddy of mine hit me up at the end of May with some of that sweet Eid money.”
At press time, Robert’s grandmother Kate Murphy was seen crossing state lines to visit multiple dispensaries with her freshly cashed social security check.