CHICAGO — Local performative ally Skylar Hargrove was seen failing at both performance and allyship during a local Pride celebration, confirmed sources.
“Yeah, there’s this dude here who keeps hitting on every woman he sees, but he’s also wearing a ‘Love is love’ tank top,” offered organizer Charlotte Jenkins. “He keeps running into the street to take selfies with people in drag even though it fucks up the flow of the parade, and then, like, immediately runs back behind the barrier and pretty conspicuously goes behind cops every time. While, of course, everyone is welcome at Pride, this event is here to celebrate the history of our community’s struggle and the ceaseless hard work of our visibility and liberation, and I’m pretty sure that’s just a straight, cis dude here to hook up with women- and literally nobody is buying it. He probably works at a fucking bank, too.”
Hargrove was quick to defend himself against the accusations of performative allyship.
“Um, excuse me? I’ll have you know I’ve had a rainbow filter on my profile picture for three months now,” said Hargrove. “There isn’t anyone who is a better ally to the queer community than me. I have a cousin who is bi, I think, and I check in on her at least once a year. I only go to Chick-Fil-A if I’m, like, really hungry, and I thought really hard about protesting with everyone last year, too, but I had a thing. I even tried to get the Chase branch I work at to sponsor this year’s Pride!”
Noted psychologist Emmanuel Garza offered valuable insight on how Hargrove’s behavior, while annoying, is by no means uncommon.
“There are countless instances of this behavior in society,” began Garza. “In a society that’s commodified and all but fetishized personal obstacles, those who have had comparatively few obstacles sometimes feel the need to glom on to those of others- primarily as attention seeking behavior, and largely to validate their own existence. These are usually qualities of Histrionic Personality Disorder, but I get the sense that this dude is just a douchebag.”
As of press time, Hargrove was last seen trying to rouse the crowd into a singalong of Macklemore’s “Same Love” but didn’t know any of the lyrics.
