MANCHESTER — Conservator of Americana and lauded documentarian Ken Burns was seen foaming at the mouth on Thursday evening after being invited to a PowerPoint party scheduled for the following night, confirmed sources while checking to see if they still had access to Microsoft 365.
“That just wasn’t enough time to put together a deeply researched six-part, 750-slide presentation that is historically accurate and emotionally poignant,” stated Burns, still convalescing at his pastoral estate. “I knew I wouldn’t have time to weave together an equitable and level-headed account of something as vivid or complex as the American Revolution or Civil War, but if you ask Babe Ruth to be on your baseball team, he’s gonna want to hit a home run. I owe it to my fellow PowerPoint partygoers to be as thoughtful as possible. Even the mere thought of presenting something reactionary and glib makes me physically ill. I think I might be urinating as I speak, actually.”
Burns’ longtime narrator and veteran actor Peter Coyote provided an eyewitness account of the incident.
“It’s my fault, really,” began Coyote, lulling nearby listeners into an ethereal reverie of beauty and knowledge with his dulcet tones. “We were out to lunch and I casually mentioned that a buddy was gonna be throwing a PowerPoint party the next day and that he should come. I should’ve known that that’s like telling Garfield that we’re going to a fucking lasagna factory. He just started quivering, spitting up foamy detritus, and shaking like a paint mixer in the middle of the restaurant. It was horrifying.”
Bill Pulaski, the host of the PowerPoint party, offered a different point of view of the ill-fated gathering.
“Personally? I feel terrible that he fell ill, but I was thrilled that Ken couldn’t make it,” said Pulaski. “I’d have never invited him. Not because he’s a bad guy, but we were just trying to have fun, you know? Just putting together a few minute presentations on your opinions on hot dog condiments, or what zodiac sign has the most body hair or some shit- not signing up for a 12-hour recap of the Battle of Antietam or whatever.”
As Burns recovers, nurses are reportedly slowly moving old, sepia tone photos across his field of vision around the clock to keep his heart rate stable.
