Jesus, how fucking stupid is this country for having elected the most obvious con man in America to the presidency not once, but twice? What, was his duplicitous nature not evident enough in his first term? Whatever. America is completely boned at this point, so we say let it ride. If our fellow citizens are going to insist on entrusting the most powerful position in the land to some dipshit con man from Queens, here are five more we can elect next.
- Jimmy “Two Fingers” Russo
Trust us, you don’t want to know the etymology of this Astoria native’s nickname. Two Fingers has enjoyed a nasty reputation among the local population since he got caught committing credit card fraud during his son’s christening, which, as far as we’re concerned, makes him about as qualified to be Commander in Chief as our current president.
- Sal “Slicky” DiTomasso
This Forest Hills dope pusher has gotten busted numerous times for identity theft, and he also likes to hang around outside elementary schools trying to get kids hooked on heroin. Is it scummy? Yeah, of course, but we suppose it’s still not as bad as bombing them, so we suppose we’d vote for Slicky over Trump.
- Angelo “Legs” Greco
If you’re from Kew Gardens Hills, you’ve probably come across Legs trying to hock counterfeit jewelry in between his many bouts of public masturbation on Kissena Boulevard. This behavior is certainly not something we would’ve considered presidential in the past, but look where we are. Legs ‘28. You heard it here first, folks.
- Billy “The Kid” Esposito
Cute nickname. This guy sells bootleg blu-rays that don’t work to unsuspecting passersby in Maspeth. Real cute. With that being said, we’ll take a useless copy of The Scorpion King over a Trump Bible any day. Get this guy in the Oval Office.
- Donnie “Small Hands” Trupinelli
This creep is always trying to make crypto deals with people in the Jamaica Estates. Something about him seems really, really familiar, though, and we find ourselves more unsettled by him than any of the aforementioned con men. Honestly, let’s not consider Small Hands. We’re honestly terrified at the thought of him being President.
