SEATTLE — Local groupie Ellie Winterman made a significant quality-of-life change by deciding to sleep with metal band Former Oracles’ merch guy instead of their bassist, sources report.
“Look, Sean was a nice guy and all, but it really wears you down to be fucking the lowest dude on the totem pole,” said Winterman while frantically folding size XXL shirts. “It’s embarrassing to come to shows and have other groupies ask me who I’m with and I have to sheepishly go ‘um, the guy on bass who weighs 140 pounds.’ I figure it’s just a better career move to get with Ian here and start slinging cassette tapes and shit. Actually, I bet I could make a killing on the resale market with some of these vinyl variants.”
Merch guy Ian Andersen seems pleased by Winterman’s decision.
“Ellie’s cool, she’s been coming to Oracles shows for like, two years, and started seeing Sean a few months ago. We just kind of let her pile in the van and stuff,” Andersen said, while taking four orders at the same time. “I don’t really know when she and I technically started dating. She just kind of waltzed over here, kissed me on the mouth, and said ‘are you out of mediums yet?’ And man, I fell in love right there and then. I guess someone is gonna have to tell Sean sooner or later.”
Groupie psychologist Dana McPherson offered her professional insight into the situation.
“Ms. Winterman is exhibiting perfectly natural behavior for someone in her community,” McPherson said, nodding her head sagely. “Think of this particular niche of women–and some men, and anyone else, they are very progressive–as a tribal hierarchy. Lead signers are, of course, the most coveted mates, followed by lead guitarists. And then, all the way at the bottom, below sound guys and maybe even venue staff, are bassists. It is a uniquely humiliating position for many groupies to find themselves in.”
As of press time, no members of Former Oracles had told the bassist yet.
