LOS ANGELES — Local 16-year-old Nigo Pastolero was horrified to find his software developer father’s secret stash of 2000s-era streetwear in their attic, sources verified.
“I was just trying to dig out some old magazines for a school project but when I discovered the Von Dutch trucker hats, a shirt that just said ‘FBI: Female Body Inspector,’ and something called Ed Hardy I thought maybe my dad had been living a second life,” stated the scared teen. “My mom said it was just his old stuff but I can’t imagine my dad wearing any of these weird shirts. Some had smiling bombs on them and others just all-over prints of diamonds. It’s honestly sort of childish. I thought my dad was a tech professional but I don’t know what to think of him anymore since I pulled a shirt that said a weird crossbones cupcake. Not to mention his jeans all had weird prints on the butt and crotch. Was it a sex thing?”
Father Ricky Pastolero was disappointed he wasn’t there during, what he calls, a crucial moment in his son’s evolution to explain and give context to his old keepsakes.
“My wife had been telling me to donate or sell them or just use them as rags for years but I wanted to have a day when I was going to take him up there and show him how cool I was in 2003 before I settled down and had a family,” relayed the 52-year-old father. “I wanted to sit him down and explain to him how important the Fairfax District was for streetwear culture. And how we would line up early in the morning and ditch college classes to cop the new The Hundreds collab or pleading with the guys at Diamond Supply Co. to let us sniff their new Nike SBs. It was a real moment in time that, I think, ranks up there with the likes of the Haight-Ashbury days.”
Mother Janine Pastolero is worried that her son might fear his father is keeping other secrets from his past.
“I know this is going to require some therapy,” said the mother of three. “Especially after I saw our son’s face contort in subtle ways every time his dad tried justifying why he had multiple pairs of glow in the dark shutter shades and trucker hats with ‘I Heart Boobies’ screenprinted on them. After his father was done explaining to him the difference between LRG Skeleton Hoodies he looked at me and asked ‘Why did you marry him?’ I’m still not sure how to answer that.”
At press time, Mrs. Pastolero was making sure all her scene girl clothes had been successfully incinerated in their fireplace and Mr. Pastolero was attempting to wear deteriorating BAPE sneakers.
This article is satirical. The Hard Times is a punk/hardcore satire site. All content should be considered parody and entertainment purposes only.
