NEW YORK — Producers of the long-running children’s program “Sesame Street” resorted to accepting sponsorship from popular male wellness brand Hims in the wake of recent DOGE cuts gutting PBS funding, multiple virile sources confirmed.
“Beggars can’t be choosers,” said visibly crestfallen PBS President Paula Kerger. “Congress has cut our funding, and let’s face it, the letter ‘J’ wasn’t exactly paying the bills. We are still committed to teaching children about life and the world around them in a language they can understand, we’re just going to be putting a little more emphasis on the parts of life where a guy has trouble getting it up, male pattern baldness, and doctor-supervised GLP-1 injections for weight loss.”
Hims CEO Andrew Dudum seemed more enthusiastic about the new partnership.
“We couldn’t be happier to be part of the ‘Sesame Street’ family. We feel it’s important for boys to know that they’ll start getting erections soon, and that after a few decades those erections will lose some of their potency, and that Hims is here to help!” said Dudum in front a poster of a red Porsche 911. “Maybe Elmo starts losing his fur, and The Count can be all like ‘One, two, three red hair! Time to call Hims!’ Oscar the Grouch? Lot of potential there! Might need to start calling him Oscar the Gregarious once our discreetly shipped chewables have him satisfying his wife in the bedroom again!”
While many parents expressed criticism and concern with the pairing, television historian Gilbert Herman was quick to point out that such controversies are nothing new for Sesame Street.
“Sesame Street has a long track record for addressing complicated adult issues in a way that’s accessible to children. Homelessness, racism, parental addiction and incarceration, they even introduced an HIV positive Muppet in an effort to de-stigmatize the epidemic. If kids can handle learning about issues that serious, I’m sure they can handle learning that sometimes daddies need treatment for hair loss, or pills to help them get their fuck on.”
As of press time, Dudum was in hour 4 of a livestream spitball session, proudly declaring that ‘Sesame Street’ will never be brought to you by the letter “low t” and showing no signs of slowing down.