WASHINGTON — The Bill from the “Schoolhouse Rock,” best known for singing “I’m Just a Bill” in the fifth episode of the third season, died from self-immolation on the steps of the Capitol Building to protest President Trump’s so-called Big Beautiful Bill, horrified sources confirmed.
“I am more than just a bill, and when found up on Capitol Hill, know I could longer sit still, to witness this authoritative caper, and be told I am still a lowly scrap paper. I used to pray, that one eventful day, I would become a law, but the Big Beautiful Bill saw, a plague and a scourge, so now I chose myself to purge,” said The Bill in a lyrical suicide note that was left in his studio apartment with instructions that the message be accompanied by music in G Major, and left a postscripture addressed to his family. “My dearest Debra and sons, when you find me in heaven, God himself will have made me a law. That’s all this old bill can ask for.”
Longtime friend and co-star in the “I’m Just a Bill” segment, John Sheldon, arrived at the Capitol steps moments before The Bill set themselves ablaze.
“I’ve known that piece of paper for almost fifty years. I knew things were bad when I saw them arguing with Kevin Sorbo and Rob Schneider on X. He recently lost his job as a librarian and was spending hours making bloaty face J.D. Vance memes, but I didn’t realize things were this bad,” said Sheldon from behind police tape. “He texted me he was at the Capitol so I rushed over to check on him. He was just singing the phrase ‘I’m just a bill’ and sobbing. He then screamed ‘Sic Semper Tyrannis’ and lit a match. I tried to stop it, but his tiny paper body was so combustible.”
Kristina Michelin, a legislative crisis hotline operator, lamented the current climate for bills.
“There are good bills and fine laws that can’t make sense of any of this. The Dream Act is calling our service because of nightmares, the Affordable Care Act is in the throes of existential despair because it believes that nothing is affordable and care will soon be gone,” said Michelin. “Good thoughtful legislation is losing itself under the shadow of this omnibus turd.”
Unfortunately, this isn’t the only recent “Schoolhouse Rock” related news as an earlier article detailed the story of how the train from “Conjunction Junction” volunteered to haul materials used to build Alligator Alcatraz.