Well, it’s summertime again and that means it’s time for sun and fun and reminiscing about actually having the summer off where every day doesn’t feel like a dreary Groundhog Day-like trudge to the grave. It is also the time of year to head out to your parent’s house for the weekend and avoid the pitfalls of dysfunction while trying to not lose your grip on sanity.
One of those pitfalls (and a major one) is spending time with your dad and carrying on a conversation instead of just sitting in uncomfortable silence. After talking about the weather, and his long list of health ailments what else is there to talk about? Politics? That’s a non-starter right there. Sports? You can only nod along for so long before asking what sport it is that he’s even talking about. Las Vegas Raiders? That’s a real team?
One thing you can always count on for a last-ditch effort to have a conversation with your dad is quoting one of his favorite SNL skits. Sure, he has complained about every host, musical guest, and skit in the last 25 years but he still watches religiously and knows all the classic lines by heart. Here are the top skits to quote with your dad instead of having a real conversation with him.
15. The Californians
Once you get to your parents’ house and your dad asks “How was the drive?” Put on a ridiculous California accent and say “Aww not bad, I just headed down the 405, then hooked a right at the Baja Fresh near Mulholland to Tarzana.” Then later when your brother arrives you can throw out a “EWWWWHATTARRREEYOOOOUDOOINGEEERRE?” He won’t know what you’re talking about but you and your dad will have a laugh at his expense. And isn’t that what getting together with the family is really all about?
14. Cheeburger Cheeburger
When your dad is frying up something on the ol’ propane grill and you’re both standing there in silence watching your cancerous slab of tortured flesh being prepared, throw out a “Cheeburger cheeburger.” He’ll be sure to reply with “No Coke, Pepsi.” Sure, it’s a little dated and feels vaguely racist but you could keep this up all afternoon.
13. George Bush Sr.
Politics are going to come up, it’s just unavoidable. In all likelihood, there will be a TV in the background blasting totally reasonable and nuanced takes from a sentient cologne bottle on Fox News all day long. You’ve tried your best to not engage with any of the talking points your dad has parroted so far but at some point, you need to respond. Just throw out a “Not gonna do it… Wouldn’t be prudent at this juncture.” Right-leaning people like your dad are ok making fun of George Bush Sr. because compared to the ghouls in office now he’s basically Noam fucking Chomsky.
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12. Celebrity Jeopardy
You may be able to convince your dad to turn the channel from Fox News to something else but apparently, the only other thing his TV gets is non-stop episodes of Jeopardy. Luckily this is your chance to break out your subpar Sean Connery impression. (Oh God, remember cable? Why are there so many commercials? This is still a service people pay for? Why is the TV so loud? What the fuck is happening?)
11. Matt Foley
Probably one of your dad’s favorite SNL sketches. He especially loves the part where Chris Farley makes fun of David Spade for saying he wants to be a writer and that he uses his writing paper for “rolling doobies.” Of course, “living in a van down by the river” is now actually a thing most people your age want to do in their #vanlife $250K Sprinter Vans but don’t ruin it for him by mentioning that.
10. Mr. Bill
If your sister is there with one of her little demon spawns take one of their toys and make it fall off a chair or have its head get stuck in a door jam then do the “Ooooh nooo, Mr. Billll” thing. Apparently this was the height of comedy in the ‘70s. Your dad will think it’s hilarious and so will your brat nephew. The person who won’t find it funny is your sister and she’ll uninvite you to little Jaxon’s birthday party. Win/win!
9. Church Lady
You’re sitting around the dining room table and your mom is going on and on about how your cousin Jessica who is in college just got pregnant and may want to get an abortion. Break the tension in the room by turning to your dad and saying “Well, isn’t that speciaalllll” while making that face that Dana Carvey would do. It may distract him long enough to not start talking about the Liberal agenda.
8. More Cowbell
There will come a point in the day right around the time your dad has had his fourth Miller High Life that he’s going to put on some tunes. Since he’s feeling good it’s probably going to be something like Joe Walsh or Thin Lizzy. You know, something he can air guitar to while biting his bottom lip. Try saying “This song is good, but it could use a little more cowbell.” He won’t hear you though because he is having a moment really jamming out to the guitar solo in “The Boys Are Back in Town.” It’s ok, you tried.
7. Two Wild and Crazy Guys
Your dad will want to show you some project he’s been working on like a new downspout for the gutter or that old car in the garage that will never actually get fixed. As he is explaining to you what a carburetor is or whatever your mom may ask if the two of you would like another beer. A great response is “Why not? After all, we are…” (and here your dad will join in) “TWO WILD AND CRAZY GUYS!” We don’t get it either but we think it’s basically like Borat for boomers.
6. Buckwheat
On second thought, no. Don’t even attempt this one. Of course your dad wouldn’t be offended but there’s a good chance your brother will film you doing it and will share it with everyone you know and then BLAMMO! CANCELED!
5. Choppin’ Broccoli
Your mom will probably start making dinner around 3:30 in the afternoon and your dad sure isn’t going to help. You should probably help her out despite ostensibly being a fully grown adult all your meals entail pouring hot water into a cup with noodles. As your dad breezes by to ask what you’re doing in the kitchen you can sing “Choppin’ broccoli… choppuh bruhculehhh..” Just be careful and make sure you don’t get into it too much because you have no business using sharp cutlery.
4. Debbie Downer
Your sister might go on a real rant about how your dad shouldn’t be drinking so much in the middle of the afternoon, or shouldn’t be eating so much red meat, and that he definitely shouldn’t be leaf-blowing the roof right now. Turn to your dad and just go “Womp womp!” and make that Debbie Downer face. He would laugh if he could hear you over the sound of that 18V cordless Ryobi he’s cleaning the gutters out with at the moment.
3. Coneheads
Honestly, this one is a gamble since even your dad might not think these skits were funny. It’s surprising anyone thought this was ever funny especially that movie they did in the ‘90s – Yeesh. In any case, your dad will probably have some orange traffic cones lying around that he uses to keep people from parking in front of the house. Put one on your head and say “I am Beldar, we come from France.” If you get no response it means it’s time to go home.
2. Wayne’s World
“Wayne’s World! Party time! Excellent!” is just a great thing to throw out there at any point there is a lull in the conversation (and there’s going to be a lot). Then when your mom asks if you want to see pictures of your cousin’s toddler you can say “Shaaw right, I’d love to look at those… NOT!”
1. Dick in a Box
By this point you are probably pretty close to being fully wasted and have run out of any other SNL references you can think of. Just start singing “Dick in a Box” and see what happens. Worst case scenario you’re asked to leave. Best case scenario you are still asked to leave. And honestly, all of this will be forgotten anyway by the time your dad sits down to watch Hannity.