HENDERSON, Nev. — Doctorate student and single woman Calise Sundell is increasingly worried her date for the night might be a serial entrepreneur.
“The date’s been fine. He’s very polite and funny in a kooky kind of way. But I’m getting a weird vibe,” said Sundell. “It’s not that he’s wearing a suit with expensive sneakers, even though that’s kind of odd; it’s the little things. Like, he casually said this eatery we’re at is going to be the ‘Uber of Mexican food’, and then went on about how he’d love for someone to ‘disrupt the gastro pub market’. If he goes to the men’s room again, I might make a run for it”.
Sundell’s date for the night, 30-year-old Sean Shelton, says he’s pleased with the way things are going, but thinks she seems a bit nervous and uptight.
“The potato skins were great, but she seems a bit… cold? I get it: I look good, I drive a Tesla. People get self-conscious. But it’s not like I’m a basic bitch who only cares about money. I’m not that dude spewing inspirational business memes on Facebook, let’s put it that way,” said Shelton excruciatingly smugly. “I post that to my LinkedIn, because LinkedIn is a great forum for connecting with other people who are as passionate about growth as I am. Actually, as I was listening to Tim Ferriss’ podcast this morning on 1.5x speed to save some time, and–oh, I guess she’s left.”
Relationship expert Dylan Teague says it’s a common problem among his clients.
“It’s easy to pass this off as neurotic thinking. But this is a real issue for young women. No, your date is probably not a serial entrepreneur, or even a social media ‘thought leader,’ but just knowing that he might be, makes it hard to relax when you meet new people,” said Teague. “This all makes it even harder to commit to a burgeoning relationship. No-one wants their parents to get that phone call saying her daughter has hooked up with some douche who’s the ‘CEO’ of his own one-man company.”
At press time, Shelton was arrested and is believed to be the infamous “Silicon Valley Slasher.”