NEW YORK — Pitchfork’s ever popular yearly list of Greatest Songs About Being a Little Teapot reportedly made the debatable choice to rank “I’m a Little Teapot (Short and Stout)” at number two, insider sources confirmed.
“Look, I know it might be a controversial ranking, but our readers look to Pitchfork for hot takes, and this is one of the hottest takes you could ever have,” said staff writer Linda Bemmelman. “While we’re not discounting the validity of ‘I’m a Little Teapot (Short and Stout),’ one must keep in mind that it’s a very mainstream hit, whereas we pride ourselves on being part of the music journalism’s vanguard…so we had to give that top spot to the rare Strawberry Alarm Clock 1966 B-side ‘The Teeny, Tiny Teapot Is Little Ol’ Me-pot.’”
Though some of Pitchfork’s readership was stunned, most were simply perplexed that such a niche list continues to exist.
“It’s honestly nuts that list goes up year after year. I can name maybe two songs about being a teapot, tops,” said longtime Pitchfork reader Brittany Wartwell. “I was maybe going to say the title song from ‘Beauty and the Beast’ was my personal favorite choice, but it turns out that one doesn’t even count since it’s just sung by a teapot, not about the experience of being one…I’ll be frank with you, every time they put this list out, I think about making the switch to becoming a Stereogum gal.”
Most troubled by the verdict was Clarence Z. Kelley III, the only living descendant of one-half of the original composition team behind the classic song.
“A second place ranking is not only a slap in my face, but it’s a slap in the face of my ancestors who worked day and night to compose ‘I’m a Little Teapot,’” said an enraged Kelley. “You think you just come up with the idea to rhyme stout with spout in a week’s time? It took months…years even!”
“And speaking of even, that’s just what I intend to get…even with Pitchfork,” Kelley added, sinisterly. “And we’ll clear the good name of my family’s legacy. It’s not just tea that’s gonna be boiling…it’ll be blood.”
At press time, a drunken Kelley III was reportedly even more “steamed up” to the point where others “heard him shout,” which led to a rather violent “tipping over” and an inadvertent “pouring pee out.”