If you’re anything like me, right about now you’re scrambling to get your holiday shopping done for the legion of Victorian child ghosts that haunt your peripheral vision during all waking hours. Here are 10 cute gift ideas that are sure to please. At least, you hope they will! God, please let this help somehow.
Kinetic Sand
Many Victorian child ghosts in your life might have mood swings caused by the Vapours, and Kinetic sand provides the calming sensory play that soothes them. I’m looking forward to giving this to Lillian, who died in 1881. I met her when I moved into a huge but suspiciously cheap apartment, then found out that the building was once a condemned children’s hospital. She’ll love it!
Paw Patrol Movie Tower
Paw Patrol gifts are big this year, and they’re perfectly suited for Victorian child ghosts who succumbed to Canine Madness, like Ephraim. Playing with friendly dog figurines might allow him to forget the pack of rabid mongrels who attacked and infected him, causing him to foam at the mouth while all the other children pointed and chanted “Mad Dog! Mad Dog!”
Oculus 2
This virtual reality headset provides a nice little vacation from grim reality for a Quinsey-stricken ghost like Calvin. They don’t work for us ghost-seers, though. When I tried them I was overjoyed to find myself swimming in a beautiful eternity pool right on the beach, but then I looked around and saw hundreds of prim and proper dead children floating in the pool with me. VR Fail!
Magna-Tiles
Magna-Tiles are colorful and neat, and can aid spectral kids like Silas with their coordination skills, which is useful when you have Water on the Brain. Silas isn’t just sad about his ghastly death in a barbaric old timey hospital, he’s angry. They all are! They aren’t sure exactly where to direct their anger, so since I’m around they settled on me, I guess.
Barbie’s 2021 Dream House
I think we all know a little girl ghost named Beulah who died of Bad Smells who would love a 2021 Barbie Dream House. I’ll do anything to please Beulah and all her friends so they don’t hurt me!
Star Wars Galactic Snackin’ Grogu 
This hungry little guy is an adorable companion for a ghost like Wilbur, providing comfort to him while he deals with the Black Vomit that killed him. And yes, ghosts vomit. ALOT. Even just a two-minute break from the sight of the constant, painful spook puke might help me get the clarity I need to think of an escape plan.
Vtech Kidi Star Karaoke Machine
Your little crooner will have a ball with this Karaoke Machine, even poor ol’ Grover. A little Billious Fever isn’t going to get in the way of him belting out the hits! No one else in my building sees the ghosts. Maybe if I can get Grover and the others to agonizingly drone into this microphone, they’ll hear it and help me, or at least believe me.
Catan
Ghost siblings like Hazel and Cora and Leopold, who died of Fits, Horrors, and Milk Leg, respectively, will have many great family game nights in store with classic Catan. My therapist doesn’t believe me either. In the end I had to pretend to be kidding so he wouldn’t hospitalize me.
Nintendo Switch
The newest model of the Ninendo Switch is THE hottest gift this year, and Elmer needs all the warmth he can get with that Chin Cough of his. Everyone could be right. It could be a delusion. Honestly, I kind of hope it is because if this is real? Good God.
Disney Princess Dress Up Trunk
What little girl ghost can resist this treasury of princess wear? Certainly not Maime (1891 – 1897, Cause of death: Purples). I got some information about exorcism on the dark web and tonight I make my move. Either I’ll successfully banish the ghosts or they’ll overtake me and draw me into their nightmare realm, where I will be trapped for eternity. So in case I don’t get out of this alive: Happy Holidays!