NAPERVILLE, Ill. — Viking metal band Fjord Destroyer took a local Chili’s restaurant by storm during the evening rush last night, utterly defiling multiple lovely family dinner parties, horrified Chili’s staff members confirmed.
“Odin will no doubt be pleased with our plunder,” bragged guitarist Shane “Skull-Splitter” McDaniels. “One of these so-called ‘Christians’ tried to shield his Crispy Honey-Chipotle Chicken Crispers from me. How dare this peasant swine defy the likes of me — a descendant of Thor himself, for Odin’s sake! I took his 32-ounce Frosé Rita and poured it over his head. What a fool! I have already written about this victory: Asgard Triple Dipper Destroyer.”
Restaurant staff were overwhelmed by the sudden onslaught.
“It’s times like these that test my unshakeable belief that I was destined to be a Chili’s manager,” said an agitated Todd Miller, the franchise’s manager. “These ruffians burst through my doors and acted like they owned the place, harassing customers with their profane language and guitar solos. I did not sit idly by as they desecrated my sacred temple of Tex-Mex and frilly cocktails — I called in the strongest reinforcements possible for a counter attack.”
Part-time Chili’s security guard Calvin Jackson served as Miller’s backup against the invasion of wannabe Viking metalheads.
“Man, I don’t get paid enough for this shit. I just work weekends while I’m going to business school,” noted Jackson. “It was a pretty typical, boring shift, until Todd came screaming from out of the back office that we were being ‘sacked’ — these barbarian-looking dudes were chugging from the nacho cheese fondue fountain. Needless to say, I threw them out on their asses.”
Fjord Destroyer was last seen setting sail in their Honda Odyssey to conquer the nearest Applebee’s.