ZANESVILLE, Ohio — Tensions between two punk roommates are on the rise today after a months-long feud over whose turn it is to throw a sink full of dirty dishes in the trash has yet to resolve itself.
“He contributes nothing to this house,” said local punk Tara Mendez of roommate Damon Lambert, while sipping her coffee out of a repurposed wonton soup container. “When was the last time he stole some groceries for the house… or cleaned his pube trimmings out of the sink without being asked? I can’t be the only one who tosses three-month-old moldy pots of mac’n’cheese out instead of washing them — throwing away a few forks and knives every now and then is the absolute least he could do.”
Although Mendez claims she was the last roommate to tackle the dirty dishes, her history with inhalants and untreated concussions have left some doubting her memory recall.
“She ‘remembers’ tossing the dishes last? That’s funny,” an irate Lambert stated. “I didn’t know her brain could do that — she certainly doesn’t seem to remember that she owes me $50, and I guess she also doesn’t remember I was the one who threw all the dishes away last Thanksgiving when she used every pot and pan in the house trying to make Tofurky and ‘stuffing,’ which just ended up being a blob of wet bread.”
For his part, third roommate Paul Burke suggested washing the dishes instead of throwing them out — an idea mostly met with animosity.
“Maybe I grew up in a more traditional home, where a porcelain dish handed down from your grandmother wasn’t considered a single-use item,” said Burke, eating a bowl of cereal with chopsticks. “ But I’ve gotten pretty good with these things. I’d do the dishes myself, but I don’t think there’s any soap on the market strong enough to cut through that grease, or blood, or whatever’s crusted on there.”
At press time, the roommates were arguing over whose turn it was to steal a roll of toilet paper from the bar downstairs.