ARDÈCHE, France — Archaeologists in Southern France made a startling discovery inside a series of recently excavated caves earlier this week, finding multiple crude etchings that experts believe may be flyers for the earliest known punk shows. The pre-historic gatherings could date all the way back to the Stone Age, or even the Upper Paleolithic time period.
“This is exciting, because it’s not only early historical evidence of primitive activities and ceremonies, but because it also means that England and the United States can finally shut up about inventing punk,” said lead archaeologist Anna Dupree. “We also found what looks like one singular shoe, which means we could have been standing on the site of the first mosh pit. Amazing.”
Features of the cave etchings are very similar to modern flyers, with what seems to be a lineup, featuring four different sects of civilization, and a start time, represented by the position of the sun in the sky.
“We don’t know very much about how our early ancestors socialized, but we are confident that these etchings were to make each other aware of a tribal display of music in which people gather to have a good time, get drunk, and/or fight each other,” said Dupree. “Much like a modern day punk show.”
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Among the images discovered in the cave are crude, carved depictions of monsters, breasts, and skulls. Experts hypothesize these images could mean that attendees had to be a certain age to partake in fermented beverages. Archaeologists also believe the cover charge was determined by how many fish were carved into the wall.
“We can’t be entirely sure, as we have no idea how exactly these early punks communicated. But we are confident in our rough translations of some of the band names, which include The Shitty Cavemen, Blargh, and Fire Good,” said Dupree while examining slides from the cave. “We have nicknamed this particular cave ‘The Wolf’s Shithouse,’ because many of the etchings lead us to believe this was what the early inhabitants called it.”
UPDATE: Shortly after the cave was excavated, John Varvatos announced plans to open up a new location of his high-end menswear boutique inside the cave.
Article by Michael Edwards @edwardsdeuce. Photo by Kat Chish.