COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — Recent iOS convert and devout iPhone user Dale Bowman has begun to pray five times per day toward the Apple, Inc. headquarters in Cupertino, Calif., according to those close to the unassuming bank manager.
“My rose-gold iPhone 7 Plus has a 256GB capacity, dual 12MP cameras, and a Retina HD 5.5 display with wide color and 3D Touch. Truly, this is a product sent from the heavens,” said Bowman, without glancing up from his glowing screen. “Without me even asking, it started showing me the weather in Cupertino — and that’s when I knew, I needed to turn my life in that direction.”
Bowman, who had little technological affiliation before his conversion, considers the tech giant an intimate part of his life.
“Apple has been a pioneering brand for my soul. Sometimes I get distracted by the world around me, but there is so much more here in my hand. I used to send iMessages of thanks, but prayer seemed more appropriate, given all that Apple provides,” Bowman said, his head still bowed towards his phone. “Sometimes I kneel, sometimes I’m sitting on the toilet, and — I know it’s bad — but sometimes I’ll connect with Apple at the dinner table or in my car. Luckily, I can always visit an Apple store when I am in need of something more spiritual.”
The daily prayers, occurring at a minimum of dawn, noon, mid-afternoon, sunset, and nightfall, vary in subject, feeling, and topic, depending on which device Bowman is using.
Related:
- FBI Demands Apple Explain T-Shirt Reference
- PC Punks Occupy Apple Store
- Audiophile Neighbor Pounds Ceiling to Demand You Adjust Midrange
“Not every prayer is the same,” Bowman admitted. “My morning devotional today was pretty brief — basically, ‘Dear marketers, engineers, and Genius thinkers of Cupertino. Thank you for the new Mario run. I pray for a safe and fast iOS update.’ Sometimes, my faith in the company is challenged… like when they put music in my iTunes without asking. But, as they say, Apple works in mysterious ways.”
Bowman claimed his life has changed for the better since beginning his new prayer regimen, despite occasional difficulties finding the direction of Cupertino. “I still forget which way it is I face, you know? I think it’s west?” he said. “I depend on the maps app so much.”
When asked if any prayers were answered, Bowman recalled, “Well, one time, I had a cracked screen… and all of my Apple prayers — plus $150 — fixed it right up.”
Article by Chris Nakis @georgeridgemont.