Portland Trash Core Band Outed as Three Raccoons with a Drum Machine

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PORTLAND, Ore. –  Portland Police responded to a series of noise complaints this weekend and unknowingly broke up the much anticipated record release party of local band Stink Bandits, outing the hyped-up group as nothing more than three raccoons and a drum machine.

“In a joint operation with the Southeast Animal Control, Portland City Police officers investigated an abandoned building in relation to a noise and smell complaint from neighborhood residents. When officers arrived, there was an abnormally large pile of garbage on the front yard separating a crowd of punks from the band. After scaling the massive wall of rubbish, officers and animal handlers discovered the music was being performed by a small group of feral raccoons, who release music in the form of limited edition cassette tapes under the name Stink Bandits,” said a police spokesperson.

In recent months, Stink Bandits have been the pioneers of a new movement known as ‘Trash Core’; followers of the movement promote, according to their website, “musical chaos, dumpster diving, and washing your hands before you eat.” The band also remained committed to playing only outdoor or semi-outdoor venues, playing behind makeshift screens, which were later revealed to be plastic bags spread between trash cans.

One Stink Bandits fan took the news particularly hard.

“About 9 months ago I hit a raccoon with my car. Around that same time Stink Bandits took a hiatus and now I am afraid I killed a member of my favorite band,” Taylor Allen said while attempting to hold back tears.

Authorities are shocked that fans of the group were unaware the musicians they loved were in fact disease-infested scavengers.

“As officers, little surprises us during an arrest, we had presumed this was a typical southeast gaze of raccoons. We had no idea that this group were local celebrities. I still don’t know how they figured out how to program a drum machine,” said officer Mike Stephens.

Related: Watching “Portlandia” Now Last Vestige of Man’s Punk Rock Life

Inside of the building, police discovered what appears to be a band practice space with crude instruments and a zine printing press.

Stink Bandits are currently being held at the Multnomah Animal Shelter, but are scheduled to be released into Mount Tabor to complete their city-wide Trashcan Tipping Tour soon — maybe even tonight.

Article by Justin Lentz.

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