BALTIMORE — British death metal titans Carcass are reportedly accepting cash, card, and medical specimens in exchange for merch at their live shows, mildly nauseated…
CHICAGO — Party officials running the Democratic National Convention in Chicago asked for increased security after they learned Dave Matthews returned to Chicago with his…
Hello, my name is J.D. Vance, and I am running for Vice President of these United States, but that’s not what I’m here to talk…
RONKS, Penn. — Local anarchist and aspirational revolutionary Steven Franks felt foolish after discovering that he accidentally became part of an Amish village a full…
There’s an old saying: many a man doth take his lord for a fool, but he who mocks his lord works hard, and he who…
CHARLESTON, S.C. — Estranged husband and wife lifestyle influencer couple known as “The Wilsons” announced they had reconciled and agreed to stay together for the…
It’s a new week filled with new trends and recently rediscovered ways to overuse outdated terminology in an effort to appear intelligent on the internet.…
You rebel, you. Doing your thing in the sun. Blithely walking through life undisturbed. Tossing your hair without care. Sounds like you’re having a “brat…
PORTLAND, Ore. — A pro-Palestine march has reportedly changed courses today after it turned back around to begin a new protest condemning the latest IDF…
You can’t tell me you haven’t wanted to grab a handful, shake it around in your palm, and toss it in your mouth like a…
PORTLAND, Ore. — American indie band The Decemberists announced that they finally located a time portal that will allow them to return to the 1830s,…
WHEELING, W. Va. — Local conservative Jerry Wardmore repeatedly stated that Vice President Kamala Harris’ proposed ban on grocery price-gouging is “downright communist” despite complaining…
You know, folks, there’s a question that keeps me up at night, and I think it’s time we all start asking it out loud. What…
NEW YORK — Local Parole Officer Janet Williams admitted she was in a state of disbelief while cataloging the “dumbest fucking tattoos” of hardcore music…
A few days into visiting a friend in California, we got free tickets to a taping of “Real Time with Bill Maher.” I guess my…