ENUMCLAW, Wash. — Local Christian rock band Trust Fall revealed that they are waiting until marriage to write any songs related to sexual intercourse, confirmed…
ORLAND PARK, Ill. — Local 17-year-old Nick Stultus espoused his libertarian philosophies in every social interaction, even if doing so prevented him from being invited…
Guys, I need to be honest. I’ve been in a creative slump, and nothing seems to be working. I’ve been studying the work of the…
COUNCIL BLUFFS, Iowa — Music critic Sophie McKennitt brutally lambasted her mother’s cooking during a recent visit home, according to stunned cousins. “As a child…
LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Local man Jerry Whipple, a self-described red-blooded, god-fearing follower of Christ, was outraged when he noticed all of the parts of…
Our thoughts on police officers are certainly no secret, and we always jump at the opportunity to discuss the subject with like-minded individuals. As such,…
MACON, Ga. — Panic-stricken and barely coherent GWAR roadie Miles Giodarno was spotted dashing through the streets of Macon, desperately trying to secure a whopping…
WILLOW WIND HOLLOW — The animal population of a wooded glen was less than surprised when their mayoral election results yielded a landslide win for…
Having an erection in public is embarrassing, but it happens to the best of us. I was fully prepared to look away and not say…
LOS ANGELES — Famed skateboarder Tony Hawk revealed that he really only got into skateboarding after playing countless hours of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3,…
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump, the self-appointed Kennedy Center chairman, announced that a dancing Coca-Cola can and a novelty singing bass decoration will be among…
NEW YORK — Longtime hugging volunteer Andy Spencer recently joined in on the trend of asking for gratuities along with his charity services, local sources…
There was a time when any time I’d see that obscenely wealthy asshole Jeff Bezos gracing the cover of Forbes, I’d wish I could just…
MINNEAPOLIS — Local punk band Slice planned to play exceptionally shitty to trigger audiences to throw fruit at them in an attempt to reverse the…
WASHINGTON — A new poll conducted by AIPAC found the top candidates for the 2028 presidential nomination are down to Pennsylvania politicians John Fetterman and…