Hey everyone! We all have the coronavirus pandemic on our minds. Everyone is rightfully pretty scared. Basic survival supplies and hand sanitizer are sold out…
DENVER — Local police apprehended miscreant Max Yelban last night for mischievously shouting “Arcade Fire” in a crowded theater and causing a panicked frenzy among…
CHICAGO — Pop-rock band and music video powerhouses OK Go recently celebrated reaching over one billion views on their YouTube channel, as well as over…
If I’m not given the option to watch my favorite episodes of “The Simpsons” in their original 4:3 aspect ratio, people will die. I’ve planted…
CINCINNATI — Brent Samuels, widely regarded as a terrible friend and questionable person all around, abruptly suspended his viewing last night of “American History X”…
By 2003, Metallica had released seven legendary albums and critics were already anointing them among the greatest metal bands of all time. Around that same…
TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Punk and self-described “downfall of the establishment” Garreth Wilkes announced today that he will send a vicious death threat to his sitting…
DETROIT — Joe Biden was seen pacing back and forth outside a local factory today, searching for the mother fucker he invited to “take this…
SPRINGFIELD, Mo. — Local frontman Spencer Wilt made an impassioned declaration to the Coronavirus “and other infectious diseases,” clarifying that highly contagious sicknesses of any…
ATLANTA — In an effort to slow the spread of the novel COVID-19, the Center for Disease Control recommended today that U.S. citizens dress in…
As a relatively young and healthy person, I’m appalled by the cavalier attitudes of my peers who are not taking Coronavirus prevention seriously. Just because…
WASHINGTON — The Democratic National Committee released a statement earlier this week urging all American citizens to exercise their right to vote for candidates and…
I’m just a normal, average billionaire. If you prick me, do I not bleed the same virgin-transfused blood as any other billionaire? I come from…
LUBBOCK, Texas — Psych-rock band Three Inch Teeth treated their drummer Mitchell Gauthier to a night on the town last night, doing all of his…
ATLANTA — Patrons of Leatherman’s Bluff Sex Emporium were cresfallen today upon learning that Dark Spectrum, the clubs monthly “anything goes” no-condoms-allowed orgy will be…