WASHINGTON — Congressional lawmakers reached a new bipartisan consensus to allow their caretakers to vote on their behalf, confirmed sources who weren’t terribly surprised by…
The joyless march towards death comes with many indignities like wearing earplugs at concerts, knees that can’t outrun cops, or trading in your favorite Vans…
BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — Local Korn fan Floyd Brennan recently admitted that the band hit its peak approximately 50 seconds into the song “Blind,” confirmed sources…
Goddamn, what a week, huh? If you’re anything like us, you’ve probably been spending the majority of your time since last Monday screaming at your…
AKRON, Ohio — Officer Brian McCarthur of the Akron Police Department shared his delight at seeing work friends while infiltrating local far-right militia, the Sons…
As millions of Americans are committing to a “Dry January” in earnest, millions more are realizing, “Hey, wait, what the fuck, I committed to being…
ST. LOUIS — Local Rush fan and high school senior Micah Kirby spent the entirety of the make out game Seven Minutes in Heaven playing…
It is essential for women in big cities to be aware of their surroundings. It’s also essential for women in mid-sized cities, small towns, quaint…
I know that anytime you go to a metal show and focus in on the drummer pounding away on the skins at 250 beats per…
CHICAGO — Smashing Pumpkins singer and National Wrestling Alliance owner Billy Corgan suddenly wondered what Billy Corgan thought about all that was going on in…
BOSTON, Mass. — Harvard scientists studying modern American relationship dynamics made a breakthrough discovery by identifying the first conventionally attractive polyamorous couple. “The lack of…
I keep getting your texts, but listen: you have no idea how busy I am online. There are so many podcasts to catch up on.…
CHARLEROI, Pa. — Lifelong punk Hunter Burchuk experienced the startling epiphany that moshing is “dumb as hell” during a recent local hardcore show, concerned friends…
KEENE, N.H. — Family court judge Deanna Westcock was unexpectedly persuaded to reconsider a tense custody battle following a stirring acoustic bass solo by the…
Yo there, Daddy-O, you seem like a mighty hep cat! I dig your pompadour and that vintage leather jacket. And are those 501s rolled up…